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Fifes Don't Have Ghost of a Chance
TOLEDO--It's hard to take a haunted house on the road. The Fifes got fans and sports reporters talking this week by listing the late Don Knotts as a passenger on their flight to Toledo, but if the disembodied spirit of the TV funnyman appeared to abandon them as the Neanderthal defense smothered Mayberry.
"It may appear the ghost of Don Knotts deserted us,"
53
| Mayberry Fifes | Pts |
| Donovan McNabb | 41 |
| Willie Parker | 5 |
| Warrick Dunn | 13 |
| Reggie Wayne | 15 |
| Eric Moulds | 7 |
| Rod Smith | 3 |
| Heath Miller | 1 |
| Josh Brown | 3 |
| Chargers | 20 |
| 
75
| Toledo Neanderthal | Pts |
| Matt Hasselbeck | 18 |
| Chester Taylor | 15 |
| Frank Gore | 17 |
| Randy Moss | 4 |
| Javon Walker | 10 |
| Laveranues Coles | 19 |
| Ben Watson | 5 |
| John Kasay | 7 |
| Bears | 35 |
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owner Hollywood Walker shouted, wagging his finger, "but when we look back at this trying time and see only one set of footsteps, we will come to recognize this was when he carried us!"
"I ain't 'fraid-a no ghost," said Ray Parker Jr., who has been emptying garbage cans at the Glass Bowl since 2002, when he was promoted from concession stand grease trap scrubber.
Toledo, already halfway to last season's win total, attributed the win to... uh... scoring more points than the Fifes. "Face it," coach Sam Rutigliano shrugged, "we expected a lot more out of Hasselbeck and Randy Moss kind of sucks. Laveranues Coles deserves some credit, but no one's really setting the world on fire. Fortunately, we have a strong defense that's consistantly there to take off that pressure of having our offense actually do anything of significance."
Manning Bowl
BAKERSFIELD, VT--Little brother Eli got the better of three-time Selmon Award winner Peyton in the first ever meeting of the brothers Manning. Eli, who had been his brother's back up in Bakersfield last season, looked on the victory bittersweetly.
"On one hand, it means so much to be able to showcase my talent alongside his and match up with him throw for throw and pull out the win," Manning said, "but on the other, I didn't get to pull down his pants in front of the cheerleaders."
At 0-2, Bakersfield head coach Steve Young is urging fans not to panic. "Look, no one goes 12-1. The Mennonites have been this league's whipping boy for two years and they deserve a win or two. What I'm trying to say is 'Ooo, Eli Manning is soooo good! We couldn't possibly have stopped his laser-accurate arm! Mercy mercy!'" Young promised his team would get a win next week, but then realized it would be playing Toledo which he said "sure are a bunch of good guys who deserve a break."
135
| West Coast Mennonites | Pts |
| Eli Manning | 45 |
| LaDainian Tomlinson | 29 |
| Larry Johnson | 16 |
| Marvin Harrison | 15 |
| Anquan Boldin | 10 |
| Joe Horn | 10 |
| L.J. Smith | 14 |
| Jeff Wilkins | 9 |
| Colts | 17 |
| 
102
| Bakersfield Circus Bears | Pts |
| Peyton Manning | 48 |
| Corey Dillon | 14 |
| Ahman Green | 10 |
| Andre Johnson | 13 |
| Donte Stallworth | 16 |
| Isaac Bruce | 10 |
| Jeremy Shockey | 3 |
| Neil Rackers | 5 |
| Panthers | 13 |
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Squid GM Digested
SEASIDE, AZ--Rudi Johnson's 145 yards and two touchdowns and the Jaguars stifling defense weren't enough to compensate for the complete breakdown of Seaside's passing game, which could only mean a trip to the Sarlacc Pit for Squid general manager Billy Dee Williams. Williams and Moose River GM Khan Noonien Singh agreed to a bet earlier in the week in which the loser would be fed to the Sarlacc and in its belly find a a new definition of pain and suffering as he was slowly digested over a thousand years.
"This is because I'm black isn't it," Williams asked while being transported to the Pit of Carkoon. "You're going to kill me because I'm black."
Khan clarified, "Oh, no, I'll do much worse than kill you, Billy Dee. I will hurt you... and I will go on hurting you."
At the time he was to plunge into the gaping maw of the Sarlacc, Billy Dee leapt into the air as a small droid fired a lightsaber from its head. Sadly, Williams merely stumbled off the plank and fell into the Sarlacc as the lightsaber bounced off his forehead.
Five minutes later, however, Williams was vomitted out of the Sarlacc. Astrozoologists familiar with the Sarlacc theorize it is because Sarlacci are infamous lightweights who can't hold their liquor and Williams was too high a proof for the beast to handle.
71
| Moose River Mounties | Pts |
| Kurt Warner | 25 |
| Reggie Bush | 12 |
| Ronnie Brown | 16 |
| Plaxico Burress | 20 |
| Troy Williamson | 12 |
| Mark Clayton | 3 |
| Kellen Winslow | 6 |
| Lawrence Tynes | 7 |
| Dolphins | 17 |
| 
64
| Seaside Squid | Pts |
| Tom Brady | 12 |
| Edgerrin James | 15 |
| Rudi Johnson | 28 |
| Santana Moss | 9 |
| Lee Evans | 3 |
| Michael Jenkins | 2 |
| Alge Crumpler | 2 |
| Shayne Graham | 10 |
| Jaguars | 30 |
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| |
104
| Springfield Atoms | Pts |
| Michael Vick | 30 |
| Tiki Barber | 15 |
| Steven Jackson | 13 |
| Torry Holt | 13 |
| Donald Driver | 19 |
| Darrell Jackson | 20 |
| Leonard Pope | 0 |
| Jay Feely | 6 |
| Seahawks | 26 |
| 
74
| Sin City Grifters | Pts |
| Drew Brees | 32 |
| Cadillac Williams | 3 |
| Willis McGahee | 10 |
| Chad Johnson | 17 |
| Larry Fitzgerald | 7 |
| Roy Williams | 10 |
| Antonio Gates | 7 |
| Adam Vinatieri | 14 |
| Bengals | 12 |
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|
43
| Athenian Woodchucks | Pts |
| Marc Bulger | 16 |
| Brian Westbrook | 22 |
| Tatum Bell | 8 |
| Chris Chambers | 13 |
| Antonio Bryant | 20 |
| David Givens | 3 |
| Tony Gonzalez | 2 |
| Rian Lindell | 12 |
| Falcons | 18 |
| 
57
| West Virginia Woolfs | Pts |
| Carson Palmer | 31 |
| Shaun Alexander | 15 |
| Julius Jones | 6 |
| Terrell Owens | 4 |
| Hines Ward | 3 |
| Moose Muhammad | 7 |
| Jermaine Wiggins | 3 |
| David Akers | 6 |
| Ravens | 53 |
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Ravens Defense
West Virginia Woolfs
|
Week One Team |
Pts | |
Peyton Manning, BAK |
48 | |
LaDainian Tomlinson, WC |
29 | |
Rudi Johnson, SEA |
28 | |
Antonio Bryant, ATH |
20 | |
Plaxico Burress, MOOS |
20 | |
Darrell Jackson, SPR |
20 | |
L.J. Smith, WC |
14 | |
Adam Vinatieri, SIN |
14 | |
Ravens, WV |
53 |
|
Disappointments of the Week |
Tom Brady
Seaside Squid
|
All-Dissappointment Team |
Pts | |
Tom Brady, SEA |
12 | |
Cadillac Williams, SIN |
3 | |
Willie Parker, MAY |
5 | |
Michael Jenkins, SEA |
2 |
Michael Clayton, MOOS
David Givens, ATH |
3 |
Rod Smith, MAY
Hines Ward, WV |
3 | |
Leonard Pope, SPR |
0 | |
Josh Brown, MAY |
3 | |
Bengals, SIN |
12 |
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