Standings

Woolfs Keep Streak Alive CHARLESTON, WV--A showdown of the BFL's best receivers certainly didn't disappoint as Terrell Owens and Randy Moss performed at the top of their respective games, except for the disappointment the Squid felt looking at the final scoreboard. "We did better than we did last week," a confused Billy Dee Williams argued, "and we lost that game, so we should get a win for this one." On a semi-related note, Williams was later rushed 92 Seaside Squid Pts Trent Green 19 Edgerrin James 18 Rudi Johnson 10 Terrell Owens 26 Michael Clayton 11 Jerry Porter 9 Alge Crumpler 8 Adam Vinatieri 6 Colts 22 115 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Carson Palmer 43 Shaun Alexander 22 Julius Jones 13 Randy Moss 21 Hines Ward 23 Lee Evans 2 Todd Heap 8 David Akers 5 Dolphins 15 to the hospital and his liver is expected to be used as Exhibit A in an FDA case against Seaside's Barnacle Ale. Owner Dave Bargman has insisted no one should be obligated to send flowers nor candy to Williams' hospital room, but added that gift cards from Ikea are "super-dee-duper-fabuloso." Randy Moss put up MVP caliber numbers for the second straight week with five catches for 127 yards, 64 of which came on a long touchdown pass. Terrell Owens, however, outshone Moss with five catches for 143 yards and two TDs. Moss insisted, though, the individual numbers weren't as important as the one added to the team's win column. "As long as the team keeps winning, you won't hear me complaining about my stats," Moss assured. "Especially as long as they keep throwing me the ball seventeen times a game, paying me more than any other receiver, and I win the Selmon Award." Winning, of course, hasn't been a problem for the Woolfs, who notched their eleventh straight win, dating back to next season. Next week, they will look to tie the BFL record, held by the 2001-2002 Woolfs, against hapless Moose River. "I'm not saying you have to get anyone an Ikea gift card," Bargman added hastily. "I'm just saying they're pretty awesome. I mean, if you gave me one, I would certainly appreciate it more than if you got me--let's say--a skillet or a can opener or a bottle of wine." Pennington Shoulders Blame TOLEDO, OH--The Neanderthal held onto the top spot in the McKay Division, just as preseason pollsters expected, but no one guessed this is how they would do it. With Jamal Lewis held to single digit rushing and Willis McGahee not doing much more with just 34 yards on the ground, Joe Horn hoisted the team on his back for a come from behind victory. Most amazing about Horn's nine catches for 143 yards and a touchdown was that while the rest of the team played in the Glass Bowl, Horn was flown to Athens and forced to play his "home" game on the road. "It's ridiculous," Horn shrugged, "but on the plus side, all the Woodchucks' defensive backs were in Toledo, so I didn't have much trouble getting open." The Neanderthal's success thus far has come despite disappointments from highly regarded players like McGahee, Lewis, and the Ravens defense, and while the team is winning, Sam Rutigliano is not afraid to shuffle the line up. "We're concerned about Jamal's thumb," the coach announced, "so he's going to sit out next week. We're also going to shake things up on the defensive side of the ball, giving Ray [Lewis] and the rest of the Ravens unit a chance to regroup." 52 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Drew Brees 9 Curtis Martin 6 Clinton Portis 10 Jimmy Smith 6 Laveranues Coles 15 Chris Chambers 4 Tony Gonzalez 7 Ryan Longwell 6 Buccaneers 27 57 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Marc Bulger 20 Jamal Lewis 3 Willis McGahee 4 Joe Horn 24 Darrell Jackson 16 Deion Branch 12 Heath Miller 0 Jeff Wilkins 5 Ravens 11 McNabb Plays Hurt MAYBERRY, NC--Last week, Donovan McNabb was hit in the sternum, leaving a bruise in the shape of Terrell Suggs head that had many, including team doctors, doubting he would play this week. Not only did the quarterback play, but he won Player of the Week honors for turning in the fifth greatest quarterback performance in league history. "I could barely breathe," McNabb admitted, describing his third of five touchdown passes. "At one point, I could only see floating black blobs and I heard the voices of dead relatives." The pain, McNabb speculated, helped him focus, prompting offensive coordinator Wayne Fontes to employ a unique technique to get the best out of his quarterback. "Somewhere during the third quarter I saw Donovan smiling and laughing with Randy McMichael on the sideline," Fontes explained, "and I worried he might be losing his edge." In response, Fontes smashed McNabb in the chest with a barbell, leaving the quarterback writhing in pain and crying like a newborn. McNabb then proceded to add another two touchdowns and 130 more passing yards. 76 Moose River Mounties Pts Kurt Warner 20 Tatum Bell 0 Lamont Jordan 19 Larry Fitzgerald 8 Plaxico Burress 9 Santana Moss 30 Jason Witten 6 Sebastian Janikowski 5 Bills 5 139 Mayberry Fifes Pts Donovan McNabb 60 Priest Holmes 17 Fred Taylor 11 Steve Smith 6 Rod Smith 13 Reggie Wayne 4 Randy McMichael 19 Shayne Graham 14 Cowboys 21 Harrison Takes Back Seat BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS--The addition of Marvin Harrison a day before kickoff stole the pregame headlines, but once the game started, it was the Grifters' other receivers who were getting the attention. Chad Johnson scored a 70 yard touchdown on the second play of the game and, on the next drive, Roy Williams added a 51 yard score. Tight end Antonio Gates, who'd sat out a week ago, also made his season debut grabbing six catches for 80 yards. "I say, pip pip and cheerio," Yachtsmen head coach David Beckham declared... since he's British. "How about some bangers and mash? Those referees were fore and aft and Mutt and Jeff and if I 'ad me way those Lionel Richie blokes would be brown bread!" "Apparently," Grifters owner Jake Bell explained, "Beckham took acception to the fact the Grifter players were using their hands to catch the ball... because he's a soccer player... which is called football in other countries... which is hilarious." A man who looked remarkably like Pele wept a single tear in the stands. 71 Sin City Grifters Pts Byron Leftwich 10 Deuce McAllister 12 Kevin Jones 2 Chad Johnson 24 Marvin Harrison 5 Roy Williams 19 Antonio Gates 11 Mike Nugent 6 Steelers 33 55 Caribbean Yachtsmen Pts Daunte Culpepper 10 Steven Jackson 18 Tiki Barber 21 Torry Holt 14 Keenan McCardell 7 Derrick Mason 18 Eric Johnson 0 Jason Hanson 0 Patriots 18 Manning Sucks BAKERSFIELD, VT--Eli Manning stole his brother's jersey and got his first start for the Circus Bears, failing to reach the end zone--no, wait. Reports from Bakersfield indicate the man in the #18 Peyton Manning jersey who completed fewer than half his throws, threw an interception, racked up just 122 yards through the air, failed to score a single touchdown, and generally left a cloud of stink floating throughout the Big Top was, in fact, Peyton Manning. "What's the big deal?' Manning asked Ted Koppel, who had rushed to the Bakersfield locker room, abandoning a Nightline story about "the president being arrested for murder or something" to be on the scene of what was being dubbed a crisis of international proportions. "I mean, we still got the win. I just had a bad game. I mean, I'm only human." The news that Manning is merely human prompted mass, cult-like suicides throughout New England. "I just... I can't believe..." a sobbing Circus Bears fan shuddered. "I never thought I would see Peyton Manning perform so badly outside of the playoffs or a college bowl game!" 56 West Coast Mennonites Pts Kerry Collins 26 LaDainian Tomlinson 17 Carriage Williams 18 Antwaan Randle-El 8 Nate Burleson 6 Michael Jenkins 2 Chris Baker 1 Jason Elam 10 Falcons 10 61 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 3 Ahman Green 13 Corey Dillon 3 Anquan Boldin 15 Donald Driver 20 Brandon Stokley 3 Jeremy Shockey 9 Mike Vanderjagt 5 Eagles 32

Player of the Week Donovan McNabb Mayberry Fifes Week Two Team Pts Donovan McNabb, MAY 60 Shaun Alexander, WV 22 Tiki Barber, CAR 21 Santana Moss, MOOS 30 Terrell Owens, SEA 26 Joe Horn, TOL Chad Johnson, SIN 24 Randy McMichael, MAY 19 Shayne Graham, MAY 14 Steelers, SIN 33 Disappointment of the Week Daunte Culpepper Caribbean Yachtsmen All-Dissappointment Team Pts Peyton Manning, BAK 3 Tatum Bell, MOOS 0 Kevin Jones, SIN 2 Lee Evans, WV 2 Michael Jenkins, WCST 2 Brandon Stokley, BAK 3 Eric Johnson, CAR Heath Miller, TOL 0 Jason Hanson, CAR 0 Bills, MOOS 5