Week Three

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Brunell: "The Circus isn't coming to my town."

23 80 Tarpon Shatters Futility Record ATHENS, GA--Last season, Steve Young went out in the opener with a concussion at the hands of the Tarpons after scoring only one point. Most figured this record would be unbreakble, and placed an asterisk next to it to indicate Young's low score was caused by injury. In fact, most agree Tony Banks holds the record for lowest score by a quarterback who played the entire game when he managed only 13 points in a contest last season. Not limiting the scope to just quarterbacks, the record for lowest point total ever is shared by many players who all have scored zero points in a game. Ryan Leaf has finally set a standrd which truly should never be broken. Completing one pass for four yards while lossing three fumbles and two interceptions, Leaf's official point total for the week would be negative sixteen. A little known rule in the BFL states "no individual players poor performance should detract from the performances of his teammates." Translated it means if any one scores negative points, it will be recorded as a zero rather than subtracting from other players points. "When we created that rule, we never thought we'd have to use it," said Commissioner John Madden. "We knew there was a chance someone might fumble a ball and not get any more carries, or rush for a ten yard loss, but we thought one, maybe two points was the most anyone could have. Negative sixteen? We never would have guessed." Tangerine Tarpons Pts Athenian Woodchucks Pts Ryan Leaf 0* John Elway 14 Adrian Murrell 18 Karim Abdul-Jabbar 15 Emmitt Smith 6 Duce Staley 12 Karl Williams 3 Ed McCaffrey 19 Michael Jackson 2 Curtis Conway 9 Jerry Rice 0 Chris Calloway 12 Alfred Pupunu 0 Tony Gonzalez 4 Pete Stoyanovich 11 Richie Cunningham 8 Jacksonville Jaguars 13 New York Jets 17 * BFL rules do not allow for negative scoring. Leaf's actual score would have been -16.

Player of the Week Mark Brunell Sin City Grifters Earns 20 of his 54 points in last 5 minutes, leading 4th quarter comeback over Bears with TD passes to Jimmy Smith and Ricky Dudley. Runners-up Cowboys Defense - 4 forced turnovers and 2 TDs in 48 point performance nearly salvage Lager win.. Greg Hill - Nearly exacts revenge on team that traded him, scores 2 TDs and has over 100 yards in a close loss to Sin City. Eddie George - Bounces back from being last weeks most disappointing player with 100 yards to help his new team to victory.

Week Three Team Pts Mark Brunell, Sin City 54 Ricky Watters, Boston 28 Greg Hill, Bakersfield 27 Michael Westbrook, Bakersfield 29 Ed McCaffrey 19 Jermaine Lewis, Waterworld 19 Frank Wychek, Texas 10 Gary Anderson, Waterworld 16 Cowboys, Boston 48 All-Dissappointment Team Pts Ryan Leaf, Tangerine 0 (-16) Robert Smith, West Coast Jerome Bettis, Texas 5 Corey Dillon, Boston 2 Chris Sanders, Toledo 2 Jerry Rice, Tangerine 0 Terrell Owens, Texas 0 Alfred Pupunu 0 Norm Johnson, Toledo 0 Giants, London 0

47 74 Traffic Jam at the Top DALLAS, TX--All the preseason polls had the Sexists running away with their division and most agreed they'd win the championship. After a week one loss, the media buried Texas as quickly as they exhaulted them. Two weeks later, Texas, Toledo, and West Coast are all tied for first place in the Williams division. "Everybody knows we belong on top," said Sexist Jerome Bettis. The writer of this article debated making it longer, but neither coach gave him much material to work with. Toledo Neanderthal Pts Texas Sexists Pts Rich Gannon 24 Flavor Favre 35 Thurman Thomas 15 Curtis Martin 18 Napolean Kaufman 12 Jerome Bettis 5 Antonio Freeman 9 Yancey Thigpen 4 Keyshawn Johnson 3 Rod Smith 8 Chris Sanders 0 Terrell Owens 0 Mark Chmura 7 Frank Wychek 10 Norm Johnson 0 Jason Elam 10 Pittsburgh Steelers 16 Green Bay Packers 23

71 82 Wombats Wish for Victory Granted LAST SIGHTED NEAR MAUI--Most were surprised at the naming of rookie quarterback Charlie Batch as the starter for this week against Boston. Batch was signed as a free agent only two days before he get the start ahead of Warren Moon and Steve McNair, who started the first two games of the season, and Trent Dilfer, considered the Wombats' franchise quarterback. Waterworld coach, the Postman, had something special in mind for Batch. Running a wishbone offensive scheme, Batch rushed for over 60 yards. Batch, Eddie George, and Warrick Dunn combined for nearly 250 rushing yards and two touchdowns. Boston's "Board of Defense" put up a valiant effort containing the rookie quarterback and coping with the wishbone which none had ever seen in their professional careers. Lager coach Bill Parcells was also quick to point out he was forced to use second-stringers at defense. "It's this damn stadium. What the... are these... [guys] doing out on a floating... stadium?" Parcells asked (with explitives deleted). "All my... defensive... starters are on a boat in Hawaii somewhere looking for this... place so I've gotta go with all their... backups!" Boston Slammin' Lagers Pts Waterworld Wombats Pts Kordell Stewart 15 Charlie Batch 21 Ricky Watters 28 Eddie George 24 Corey Dillon 2 Warrick Dunn 16 Randy Moss 16 Jermaine Lewis 19 Michael Irvin 9 Reidel Anthony 14 Darnay Scott 6 Mike Pritchard 12 Freddie Jones 1 Eric Green 8 Jason Hanson 7 Gary Anderson 16 Dallas Cowboys 48 Baltimore Ravens 10

Disappointment of the Week Ryan Leaf Tangerine Tarpons Sets new record for futility by a BFL player throwing 2 INTs and losing 3 fumbles while completing only one pass. Runners-up Joey Galloway - Catches only one pass in Mennonite victory causing some to question trade of Eddie George. Jerry Rice and Terrell Owens - Don't even bother to show up for their respective games leaving their teams to go with 2-man receiving corps.

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Locker Room Empty Following Werewolves' Loss