|
Jones Goes from Bench to End Zone
LAS VEGAS--Opportunity knocked and Thomas Jones was closest to the door. With franchise rusher Jamal Lewis sitting out with a variety of minor maladies, Jones got what might have been his only opportunity to start all season and made the most of it, potentially creating a running back controversy.
"There's no controversy," assured Toled
107
| Toledo Neanderthal | Pts |
| Marc Bulger | 34 |
| Willis McGahee | 20 |
| Thomas Jones | 21 |
| Joe Horn | 1 |
| Darrell Jackson | 16 |
| Keyshawn Johnson | 17 |
| Jerramy Stevens | 5 |
| Jeff Wilkins | 8 |
| Seahawks | 22 |
| 
87
| Sin City Grifters | Pts |
| Steve McNair | 28 |
| Deuce McAllister | 17 |
| Willie Parker | 6 |
| Chad Johnson | 21 |
| Marvin Harrison | 9 |
| Justin McCareins | 2 |
| Antonio Gates | 18 |
| Mike Nugent | 8 |
| Steelers | 15 |
|
o head coach Sam Rutigliano. "Jamal should be back and healthy next week and Thomas knows his role on this team."
Willis McGahee, who, like Lewis, had gotten off to a slow and disappointing start, finally played as Neanderthal fans remembered from last year, rushing for 140 yards and a touchdown. His performance very well may have removed his name from any impending running back controversy.
"Seriously," Rutigliano restated, "there's no controversy. We're very happy that Thomas was able to step in and contribute, but Jamal Lewis is our franchise back."
On the other side of the field, Sin City was less impressed with its own fill-in rusher. Willie Parker, who'd impressed so many observers in training camp and practice, failed to find the end zone or crack the 60 yard mark in relief of Kevin Jones. "You always hate to get take a loss," coach Brian Billick sighed, "but at least with Parker screwing the pooch the way he did--and Justin McCareins doing likewise in place of Roy Williams--at least we can avoid any kind of running back controversy like they have in Toledo now."
"Now you're doing it on purpose," Rutigliano insisted. "Just because Jamal has played about as well as my dead mother and Thomas looked like the second coming of... well... Jamal Lewis, doesn't mean there's a controversy."
Squid Snap Skid
ATHENS, GREECE--Two losses may be a small portion of a thirteen game season, but when you start your season with two straight losses in two winnable games with a team praised in the preseason for having one of the best starting lineups in football, it sure looks bigger.
"I heard if we went 0-3," Edgerrin James whispered, "we were going to have to all cut off our pinkie fingers as part of some Indian voodoo ceremony." James kissed his hands tenderly and sighed with relief.
"That is ridiculous," general manager Billy Dee Williams denied. "The Kill-Ah-Why-Tee tribe doesn't do voodoo. That's a Creole thing. The traditions of our Native American brothers should not be disparaged like that.
"Also, it was the ring fingers and it was only one from each player, so stop spreading rumors."
With running back Clinton Portis sitting out due to West Wing's season premiere airing, the Woodchucks started Kevan Barlow in his place, prompting the Squid to play an experimental "no men in the box" formation. Encountering no defenders until ten yards beyond the line of scrimmage, Barlow racked up a whole 65 yards and zero fumbles. "Coach says he's taking me out for ice cream!" Barlow shouted, assured by all around him that he was a winner no matter what the scoreboard said.
76
| Seaside Squid | Pts |
| Trent Green | 19 |
| Edgerrin James | 19 |
| Rudi Johnson | 10 |
| Terrell Owens | 20 |
| Michael Clayton | 7 |
| Jerry Porter | 7 |
| Alge Crumpler | 5 |
| Adam Vinatieri | 13 |
| Colts | 20 |
| 
67
| Athenian Woodchucks | Pts |
| Jake Plummer | 27 |
| Kevan Barlow | 11 |
| Curtis Martin | 8 |
| Jimmy Smith | 11 |
| Laveranues Coles | 5 |
| Eddie Kennison | 15 |
| Tony Gonzalez | 6 |
| Ryan Longwell | 4 |
| Buccaneers | 24 |
|
Yachtsmen Win on Land
BEVERLY HILLS--The Yachtsmen have long had their sealegs, but needed little time to adjust to dry land. Instead, it was the Mennonites secondary who appeared seasick after seeing Daunte Culpepper making his first Daunte-Culpepper-esque showing of the 2005 season.
The third overall pick and top quarterback chosen in the draft bounced back from Disappointment of the Week "honors" to throw for 300 yards and three touchdowns. "About time... I mean, uh... we've always had confidence in Daunte," receiver Torry Holt praised his teammate. "He's well worth... what are they paying him? Man, I gotta talk to management about a raise... and getting paid in US dollars... what was I talking about again?"
LaDainian Tomlinson slumped against his locker, bandages wrapped around his ribs and an icepack against his side, though he assured he hadn't been hurt during his 192 yards of rushing nor during any of his four scores. "I just can't get over the fact," he snickered, "that David Beckham is their head coach. See, he's a soccer player, and in other countries, soccer is called 'football'... which is hilarious. I've been laughing so hard I needed medical attention. That's good stuff and they're doing so much with that material."
116
| Caribbean Yachtsmen | Pts |
| Daunte Culpepper | 48 |
| Steven Jackson | 5 |
| Tiki Barber | 7 |
| Keenan McCardell | 22 |
| Torry Holt | 26 |
| Drew Bennett | 12 |
| Ernie Conwell | 13 |
| John Carney | 4 |
| Patsies | 19 |
| 
99
| West Coast Mennonites | Pts |
| Tom Brady | 25 |
| LaDainian Tomlinson | 49 |
| Carriage Williams | 16 |
| Antwaan Randle-El | 2 |
| Reche Caldwell | 0 |
| Ashley Lelie | 7 |
| L.J. Smith | 5 |
| Jason Elam | 14 |
| Falcons | 21 |
|
| |
Woolfs Tie Own Record
MOOSE RIVER, MANITOBA--West Virginia tied the BFL record for consecutive wins with a twelveth straight regular season win, all occuring since general manager Michael Moore took over head coaching duties from Cole Ford. The mark was also reached by the 2001-02 Woolfs.
"What ever happened to Cole Ford?" asked running back Shaun Alexander, changing the subject from his four touchdown, 140-yard performance. "Did he go to jail for trying to kill Sigfried and Roy or what?"
"What I think Shaun meant to say," interupted Moore, "is that we wouldn't be here without the visionary leadership at the upper levels of this franchise."
"Back in January," Charleston mayor Julius Jones recalled, "he was found incompetent to stand trial and sent to a Nevada mental hospital, but I haven't heard anything since then."
Jones, who, according to Moore, apparently meant to praise his head coach and general manager and congratulate him on the team's record tying win streak, didn't suffer statistically due to Alexander's big day, scoring two touchdowns himself and outplaying Moose River counterpart Lamont Jordan, to whom he was compared by preseason scouts.
"Interesting you should bring that up," Moore nodded, "which reminds me, I've never lost a game as a head coach."
128
| West Virginia Woolfs | Pts |
| Carson Palmer | 37 |
| Shaun Alexander | 39 |
| Julius Jones | 17 |
| Randy Moss | 10 |
| Hines Ward | 25 |
| T.J. Housmandzadeh | 2 |
| Jeb Putzier | 0 |
| Lawrence Tynes | 4 |
| Cardinals | 0 |
| 
110
| Moose River Mounties | Pts |
| Kurt Warner | 9 |
| Lamont Jordan | 9 |
| Ronnie Brown | 23 |
| Larry Fitzgerald | 5 |
| Plaxico Burress | 14 |
| David Givens | 17 |
| Jason Witten | 17 |
| Neil Rackers | 16 |
| Bills | 6 |
|
| Holmes Blamed for Win
BAKERSFIELD, VT--Priest Holmes mere 61 rushing yards and failure to reach the end zone even once--much less the expected four for which he was drafted second overall--left Fifes management red in the face. "I just... he makes me..." general manager Don Knotts stammered, confusing some as to whether he was at a loss for words or experiencing death throes. "We could have drafted Julius Jones with that pick! We could use a new mayor in this town." Mayor and former astronaut Roy Fleming refused to comment on Knotts's political jabs.
"I don't really understand the animosity," Holmes shrugged. "Steve [Smith] was shredding their secondary." Smith caught eleven passes and scored three touchdowns. "Fred Taylor was running like his knee was healthier than ever. I thought it would be kind of selfish to insist that I be given the ball every snap."
Feelings were quite the opposite when it came to Bakersfield's franchise player. Peyton Manning failed to throw a touchdown pass yet again, but this time his team was unable to overcome the quarterback's shortcomings. Nonetheless, the praise was piled deep in the Circus Bears' locker room. "Peyton is doing such a great job," Coach Steve Young chuckled. "All good showmen know drama is about anticipation. Every game, everyone expects Peyton to throw for 400 yards and seven touchdowns, so by playing like complete crap he's got everyone on the edge of their seats every play."
135
Mayberry
Fifes | Pts |
| Donovan McNabb | 35 |
| Priest Holmes | 11 |
| Fred Taylor | 15 |
| Steve Smith | 39 |
| Terry Glenn | 14 |
| Reggie Wayne | 12 |
| Randy McMichael | 8 |
| Shayne Graham | 6 |
| Cowboys | 13 |
| 
74
Bakersfield
Circus Bears | Pts |
| Peyton Manning | 18 |
| Ahman Green | 9 |
| Corey Dillon | 21 |
| Anquan Boldin | 12 |
| Brandon Stokley | 1 |
| Muhsin Muhammad | 7 |
| Jeremy Shockey | 12 |
| Mike Vanderjagt | 7 |
| Eagles | 5 |
|
|
|
Shaun Alexander
West Virginia Woolfs
|
Week Three Team |
Pts | |
Daunte Culpepper, CAR |
48 | |
LaDainian Tomlinson, WCST |
49 | |
Shaun Alexander, WV |
39 | |
Steve Smith, MAY |
39 | |
Torry Holt, CAR |
26 | |
Hines Ward, WV |
25 | |
Antonio Gates, SIN |
18 | |
Neil Rackers, MOOS |
16 | |
Buccaneers, ATH |
24 |
|
Disappointment of the Week |
Peyton Manning
Bakersfield Circus Bears
|
All-Dissappointment Team |
Pts | |
Kurt Warner, MOOS |
9 | |
Steven Jackson, CAR |
5 | |
Willie Parker, SIN |
6 | |
Reche Caldwell, WCST |
0 | |
Joe Horn, TOL |
1 | |
Brandon Stokley, BAK |
1 | |
Jeb Putzier, WV |
0 | |
Three Tied With |
4 | |
Cardinals, WV |
0 |
|
