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Garner Out for Season, Is Dooley Next?
MAYBERRY, NC--For all their talk of how difficult it is to play in Mayberry, the Woodchucks made it look easy to walk out with a win.
Before a crowd of rabid fans, Athens quarterback Donovan McNabb easily found Rod Gardner for two touchdowns, keeping the
100
|
Athenian Woodchucks | Pts | |
Donovan McNabb |
43 | |
Priest Holmes |
13 | |
Kevan Barlow |
4 | |
Rod Gardner |
33 | |
Jimmy Smith |
6 | |
Peerless Price |
3 | |
L.J. Smith |
8 | |
Matt Stover |
5 | |
Titans |
12 |
| 
76
|
Mayberry Fifes | Pts | |
Aaron Brooks |
30 | |
Duce Staley |
10 | |
Charlie Garner |
5 | |
Hines Ward |
21 | |
Andre Davis |
5 | |
Chris Chambers |
3 | |
Alge Crumpler |
4 | |
Mike Vanderjagt |
10 | |
Chiefs |
15 |
|
Woodchucks undefeated on the season. Many Woodchucks admitted it was difficult to hear McNabb's snap counts over the Darling's jug band which played from the first quarter to the end of the game. "We adjusted," Gardner shrugged. "That's what championship caliber teams do."
"I'm proud of this team," said Athenian owner Brian Birch, "but I'm most proud of myself. This year's draft was a stroke of genius. I mean, I know I'm a genius--having won two Bucco Bruce Bowls as many as any two other owners combined--but this year I'm really rubbing everyone's noses in it."
Former Beijing Dissidents owner Rob Hart, who told reporters he'd been trying to get a meeting with Birch waited outside the guest owners' box for the majority of the game before security guards escorted him away and beat him about the kidneys for no real reason other than it amused them.
For the Fifes, the loss was about more than dropping another "L" on their record. Charlie Garner, filling in for an injured Deuce McAllister, tore a tendon in his right knee and will miss the rest of the season. "Yup," shuddered coach Vince Dooley, nervously watching offensive coordinator Barry Sanders from across the room, "not much a coach can do about injuries. You have to give some leeway there. I mean, doesn't seem fair to blame a coach for a loss when a team is riddled with injuries at one key position."
If not for those darn rules...
BAKERSFIELD, VT--Peyton Manning threw for five touchdowns before halftime, then returned for the second half of Sunday's game without taking another shot at the endzone. "I was really feeling it," Manning frowned, "then I remembered the rule changed forced upon us by the totalitarian commissioner of this league and lost my will to live... or throw the ball well." Under old scoring rules, Manning could have earned even more points for his high completion percentage. "Every time I would complete a pass, I had to remind myself it didn't really matter. Sure, I could have scored more points by putting the ball in the endzone, but what's the point? I hate that commissioner so much."
Not to be outdone, West Virginia coach Cole Ford complained about league rules as well, taking a well earned break from blaming Canada for his team's poor record. "Bakersfield is griping? What about the fact they started Donald Driver instead of Amani Toomer with that stupid DNS rule? I mean, where in the history of football--at any level--have you ever seen a coach with the ability at game time to decide whether one player or another will start? It doesn't happen, people! I hate that commissioner so much!"
Michael Vick, who put on one of the worst performances of his career, jumped on the bandwagon as well. "Why do fumbles and not scoring touchdowns have to count against you? I was the number five pick in this year's draft and I ran for 100 yards last week. But does that count for anything? I hate that commissioner so much."
103
West Virginia
Woolfs | Pts | |
Michael Vick |
2 | |
Shaun Alexander |
28 | |
Ahman Green |
12 | |
Javon Walker |
42 | |
Randy Moss |
26 | |
Laveranues Coles |
7 | |
Antonio Gates |
6 | |
Lawrence Tynes |
3 | |
Falcons |
38 |
| 
107
Bakersfield
Circus Bears | Pts | |
Peyton Manning |
63 | |
Marshall Faulk |
21 | |
Jerome Bettis |
1 | |
Reggie Wayne |
30 | |
Donald Driver |
17 | |
Eddie Kennison |
0 | |
Jeremy Shockey |
7 | |
Jay Feely |
6 | |
Eagles |
23 |
|
|
Champs Deep Sixed
SEASIDE, AZ--Prior to the game, the Mennonites mourned Adam Vinatieri. By game's end, they envied him.
During warm ups, the kicker wandered too close to the tank of the Squid's newly acquired killer whale, Oreo. The mammoth beast swallowed Vinatieri whole, forcing the team to play without him. Fortunately, Martin Gramatica was serving as a sideline reporter for ESPN and was quickly set up with a Mennonites uniform. Unfortunately, Gramatica didn't have the opportunity to kick 23 field goals and win the game for his new team.
The loss marked only the second time in Mennonites history the team has lost three straight games. The team had a similar slide in 2001 and finished with its worst record ever: 7-6. That was also the only year the Mennonites didn't play in the conference championship.
Seaside remained unbeaten, fueled by the first competent performance of Trent Green's season. "I decided to stop humming showtunes every time we went into the huddle and actually relay the plays sent in by the coaches," Green explained, "and it has made all the difference."
"Don't get me wrong," smiled receiver Joe Horn, "a little Music Man gets me fired up, but knowing whether I was supposed to run a post route or a hook made things so much easier." As a compromise, the team agreed to play the original cast recording of Jesus Christ Superstar in the locker room after the game.
50
West Coast
Mennonites | Pts | |
Vinny Testaverde |
16 | |
LaDainian Tomlinson |
11 | |
Emmit Smith |
6 | |
Ashlie Lelie |
15 | |
Keyshawn Johnson |
2 | |
Robert Ferguson |
1 | |
Marcus Pollard |
3 | |
Martin Gramatica |
6 | |
Buccaneers |
8 |
| 
117
Seaside
Squid | Pts | |
Trent Green |
36 | |
Edgerrin James |
14 | |
Rudi Johnson |
10 | |
Terrell Owens |
20 | |
Joe Horn |
19 | |
Plaxico Burress |
6 | |
Randy McMichael |
8 | |
Jason Elam |
12 | |
Dolphins |
10 |
|
|
Kings of the Road
LAS VEGAS--The Neanderthal have spent so much time on the road, you can't blame them for making themselves at home wherever they may roam. "Three straight road games and we come out with a winning record?" smiled coach Sam Rutigliano. "Makes it well worth breaking Kevin Jones's knee."
Jones, the Grifters' rookie running back, is expected to miss at least two weeks, but the Grifters accepted the injury in stride. "Yeah, that sucked," said linebacker Al Wilson, "but then I tackled Domanick Davis and heard something snap and that made me feel better." Davis missed the rest of the game but told reporters he was fine. Fans who've watched him fumble away four balls in the first two games will wait to pass judgement.
"I don't like to be a negative Nelly," smiled Grifters owner Jake Bell, "so I'll point out how Fred Taylor scored a touchdown--while not mentioning it came in the final seconds and only because we got a lucky fumble and that it had no bearing on our game at that point. Go Fred! We're finally getting on track!"
106
Toledo
Neanderthal | Pts | |
Daunte Culpepper |
45 | |
Jamal Lewis |
30 | |
Domanick Davis |
3 | |
Isaac Bruce |
16 | |
Darrell Jackson |
13 | |
Derrick Mason |
6 | |
Bubba Franks |
6 | |
Josh Brown |
10 | |
Giants |
25 |
| 
75
Sin City
Grifters | Pts | |
Matt Hasselbeck |
34 | |
Fred Taylor |
15 | |
Kevin Jones |
0 | |
Chad Johnson |
14 | |
Andre Johnson |
10 | |
Larry Fitzgerald |
7 | |
Eric Johnson |
7 | |
David Akers |
13 | |
Broncos |
23 |
|
| Beaver State Gets Hairy
PORTLAND, OR--Steve McNair? Clinton Portis? Torry Holt? Marvin Harrison? No, none of those men will prove to be the team's most crucial performer. Team doctor Hannibal Cheerio earned his full year's salary Sunday when a rash of injuries handed the Woodies their second straight loss. Well, those and the fact the team couldn't figure out how to stop Brett Favre from throwing four long touchdowns to receivers without any defensive backs within twenty yards.
In one of the ugliest incidents, Steve McNair bruised his sternum on a tackle and went to the sideline. While stumbling to the bench, he fell toward back up quarterback Rich Gannon, hitting their helmets together and cracking six of Gannon's vertebrae. Third string quarterback Joey Harrington then reportedly ran away, declaring the team haunted and refuses to play next week. These injuries follow the losses of tight ends Jim Kleinsasser and Kellen Winslow for the season.
On a related note, free agent fullback Jon Ritchie, who was watching from the stands, slipped on some spilled beer and broke his neck, meaning he won't play all season.
98
Moose River
Mounties | Pts | |
Brett Favre |
55 | |
Chris Brown |
21 | |
Quentin Griffin |
1 | |
Rod Smith |
16 | |
Donte Stallworth |
9 | |
Michael Clayton |
4 | |
Tony Gonzalez |
21 | |
John Hall |
4 | |
Seahawks |
38 |
| 
57
Beaver State
Woodies | Pts | |
Steve McNair |
11 | |
Thomas Jones |
29 | |
Clinton Portis |
14 | |
Torry Holt |
17 | |
Marvin Harrison |
16 | |
Koren Robinson |
1 | |
Desmond Clark |
0 | |
Jeff Wilkins |
7 | |
Steelers |
33 |
|
|
|
Peyton Manning
Bakersfield Circus Bears
|
Week Three Team |
Pts | |
Peyton Manning, BAK |
63 | |
Jamal Lewis, TOL |
30 | |
Thomas Jones, BEAV |
29 | |
Javon Walker, WV |
42 | |
Rod Gardner, ATH |
33 | |
Reggie Wayne, BAK |
30 | |
Tony Gonzalez, MOOS |
21 | |
David Akers, SIN |
13 |
Falcons, WV
Seahawks, BEAV |
38 |
|
Disappointments of the Week |
Michael Vick
West Virginia Woolfs
|
All-Dissappointment Team |
Pts | |
Michael Vick, WV |
2 | |
Kevin Jones, SIN |
0 |
Jerome Bettis, BAK
Quentin Griffin, MOOS |
1 | |
Eddie Kennison, BAK |
0 | |
Robert Ferguson, WC |
1 | |
Koren Robinson, BEAV |
1 | |
Desmond Clark, BEAV |
0 | |
Lawrence Tynes, WV |
3 | |
Buccaneers, WC |
8 |
|
