Standings

Tripper Tribute Tied to Triumph MAYBERRY, NC-- A belated tribute to Jack Tripper turned into Mayberry's first victory of the year. "I know," stammered Ralph Furley, holding back tears, "that little fairy was up there looking down on us." If Mr. Roper were 26 Boston Lagers Pts Jeff Garcia 17 Clinton Portis 5 Corey Dillon 2 Ike Hilliard 22 Derrick Mason 7 Joe Horn 1 Tony Gonzalez 6 Sebastian Janikowski 5 Falcons 6 79 Mayberry Fifes Pts Aaron Brooks 23 Tiki Barber 17 Eddie George 17 Torry Holt 9 Eric Parker 6 Rod Gardner 4 Bubba Franks 4 Olindo Mare 5 Buccaneers 39 available for comment, one is assured he would pantomime ringing a tiny bell while mugging to any available camera. Eddie George notched only his fourth hundred yard rushing day since winning the Doug Williams Award in 2000. "The holes just seemed bigger today. It was like I had another blocker out there." Boston Coach Bill Cowher was reluctant to concede the loss. "By Furley's own admission," Cowher growled, "there was a ghost or phantasm or some ectoplasmic event out there helping them. Whatever it was, that's a twelveth man on the field and I intend to file a protest with the commissioner's office." Cowher produced photographs he'd initially shoved in the pocket of the referee. Dr. Ray Stantz examined the photos of the field and is expected to testify before John Madden later this week. Get a Priest BEVERLY HILLS--Priest Holmes carried the Woolfs to two victories despite lackluster games by some teammates, but without him in Sunday's lineup, the running game fell apart and West Virginia fell victim to the Mennonites. "For seven years, people have been underestimating the Mennonites," growled Wollfs coach Cole Ford. "Some day we'll learn our lesson." Travis Henry managed less than ten yards and threw an interception before leaving the game with an injury, putting all the pressure on Ahman Green, who was no match for West Coast's rushing tandem. "Williams, McKay, hell, expand the league and put us in some new division, we're going to the playoffs," laughed Mennonites receiver Amani Toomer. 51 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Tom Brady 11 Ahman Green 10 Travis Henry 0* Laveranues Coles 16 Darrell Jackson 11 Donté Stallworth 0 Dallas Clark 5 Mike Vanderjagt 12 Chargers 16 103 West Coast Mennonites Pts Tommy Maddox 23 LaDainian Tomlinson 27 Shawn Bryson 14 Amani Toomer 16 Chris Chambers 14 Hines Ward 13 Alge Crumpler 0 Adam Vinatieri 12 Saints 14 *BFL rules do not allow for negative scoring. Travis Henry's actual score would have been -3. Point of No Return NEWARK, NJ--Aaron Shea threw out the first D-cell battery and for the following sixty minutes of playing time the hail of 1.5 volts never seemed to cease. "We prepared for this game by having car batteries hurled at us during practice all week," sighed Bakersfield running back Curtis Martin. "I guess all those walks to the emergency room for acid burns were for nothing." The Killah Bees notched their first win of the season by the narrowest of margins, thanks largely to a cell phone shattering the hand of Marshall Faulk. "We have the greatest fans in the world," laughed Ricky Williams after a career high 42 carries. "Even if about half of the stadium was empty. I hear they headed to Missouri or Mississippi or something." 60 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 29 Curtis Martin 11 Marshall Faulk 4 Koren Robinson 19 Isaac Bruce 15 Eric Moulds 4 Shannon Sharpe 8 Martin Gramatica 7 49ers 24 61 East Coast Killah Bees Pts Marc Bulger 25 Ricky Williams 21 Shaun Alexander 8 Terrell Owens 14 Jerry Rice 8 Quincy Morgan 3 Billy Miller 2 John Carney 4 Dolphins 37 Culpepper & Win Both Leave MOOSE RIVER--Daunte Culpepper knew if the Neanderthal were going to the playoffs, he'd have to carry them there on his back. Unfortunately, that may have been too heavy a load. Culpepper left Sunday's game with a sore back and was later diagnosed with four small fractures in bones near his spine. Team doctors say he may be able to play with the pain and avoid a trip to the injured list, but that remains to be seen. Jamal Lewis had promised to run for 450 yards against the maligned Toledo defense, but had to settle for far less with the emergence of rookie receiver Andre Johnson, revamping the passing game. "Apparently, we're just overchieving according to you guys," Johnson chuckled to reporters. "I guess we'll just have to try to overachieve again next week in Boston." "No," corrected Randy Moss, "do or do not. There is no 'try'." 61 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Daunte Culpepper 19 Michael Pittman 28 Warrick Dunn 5 Plaxico Burress 8 Marvin Harrison 6 Troy Brown 2 Randy McMichael 7 Ryan Longwell 9 Steelers 27 75 Moose River Mounties Pts Trent Green 17 Jamal Lewis 21 Fred Taylor 12 Andre Johnson 26 Randy Moss 8 Antonio Freeman 0 Jeremy Shockey 12 Morton Andersen 6 Patsies 23 Birch: "Pathetic" LAS VEGAS--When owner Brian Birch accused his team of putting on the worst display of football he'd ever seenlast weekend, he obviously had no idea what he'd be seeing this Sunday. Despite a strong defensive showingby the Titans, keeping Edgerrin James and Deuce McAllister both out of the end zone, the Chameleon offense put up one of the most aenemic showings in BFL history. "Mr. Birch said some mean things this week," pouted quarterback Rich Gannon. "I would be lying if I said my feelings weren't a little hurt, and I know I'm not alone." "Sometimes," agreed receiver Tim Brown, "words can hurt just as much as a fist." Lineman Teddy Madeupname might disagree with Brown after Chameleon receiver Rod Smith pounded him senseless in the second quarter. Smith was ejected, but argued he'd actually been swinging at linebacker Ray Lewis when he puched Madeupname twenty-eight times in the jaw. 10 Chambersburg Chameleons Pts Rich Gannon 7 Amos Zeroue 8 Charlie Garner 1 Keyshawn Johnson 3 Tim Brown 1 Rod Smith 1 Doug Jolley 7 Jason Elam 7 Titans 29 60 Fun City Grift-Os Pts Matt Hasselbeck 28 Edgerrin James 11 Deuce McAllister 4 Chad Johnson 9 Charles Rogers 9 Santana Moss 2 Todd Heap 15 Jeff Wilkins 11 Ravens 25

Player of the Week Buccaneers Defense Mayberry Fifes Week Three Team Pts Peyton Manning, BAK 29 Michael Pittman, TOL 28 LaDainian Tomlinson, WC 27 Andre Johnson, MOOS 26 Ike Hilliard, BOS 22 Koren Robinson, BAK 19 Todd Heap, FUN 15 Mike Vanderjagt, WV Adam Vinatieri, WC 14 Buccaneers, MAY 39 Disappointment of the Week Travis Henry West Virginia Woolfs All-Dissappointment Team Pts Rich Gannon, CHAM 7 Travis Henry, WV -3 Charlie Garner, CHAM 1 Antonio Freeman, MOOS 0 Donté Stallworth, WV 0 Three Tied With 1 Alge Crumpler, WC 0 John Carney, EAST 4 Falcons, BOS 6