Standings

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest PUEBLO--With fluids being pumped intravenously into both arms, Jeff Garcia had to sacrafice accuracy on his throws for live saving hydration. "Look, I was the number two pick overall," Garcia managed to say between dry heaves. "That kind of recognition brings with it great responsibility. I can't just sit out a game because I'm sick." Garcia fell victim to a strain of bubonic plague Saturday night after eating cheese from the rat traps in his Pueblo hotel. Other Lagers also registered complaints about the slow room service 58 Boston Lagers Pts Jeff Garcia 4 Anthony Thomas 16 Warrick Dunn 8 Troy Brown 33 Moose Muhammad 10 Derrick Mason 5 Tony Gonzalez 2 Mike Vanderjagt 11 Bears 14 63 Pueblo Prairiedogs Pts Daunte Culpepper 14 Tiki Barber 15 Duce Staley 8 Terrell Owens 14 Joe Horn 8 Jabar Gaffney 2 Alge Crumpler 2 Olindo Mare 14 Eagles 31 at the Earl's Booze 'N' Snooze hotel, but no others resorted to stealing from the vermin. Garcia joked how ironic it was that 300-pound defensemen couldn't bring him down, but a tiny virus could. No one had the heart to tell him the Eagles defense had recorded four sacks on the day. Garcia excused himself to "walk toward the light" and speak with dead relatives. Upon hearing of Garcia's illness, Prairiedog quarterback Daunte Culpepper piped up, "Flu? Yeah, that's what happened to me too. You don't think I'd throw four interceptions if I was healthy, do you?" Coach John Elway didn't seem as convinced, indicating he might give Culpepper indefinite time to rest and recoup, giving Rich Gannon or Michael Vick an opportunity to lead the team. Pueblo's new quarterback could have a new target as well. Tony Gonzalez, despite a disappointing, one-catch day, is expected to draw trade interest as the winless Lagers look to rebuild. Measurements for running backs Anthony Thomas and Jerome Bettis's jerseys are also available upon request from the Lagers' front office. Bees Stay Undefeated NEWARK--"Angry Ed" wasn't alone in his emotions as the Mounties were led off the field at G.G. Allin Memorial Stadium/Hudson County Prison under armed guard. Prisoners and New Jersey residents (is there a difference?) alike taunted the defending champs as the Killah Bees became the only undefeated team in the league. Wearing an American flag as a cape, quarterback Aaron Brooks rang up four touchdowns on his way to completely overshadowing Kurt Warner, who had as just as many interceptions. Brooks wasn't the only Superman at the game. Actor Christopher Reeve, Brooks's guest, celebrated his new found ability to move his fingers and feel his feet by hurling a D-cell battery at Eddie Kennison. "Thank you for supporting spinal research, America!" Reeve cheered, adding, "Blow me, ya canucks!" Brooks laughed knowing Reeve has no feeling in his genitals. 56 Moose River Mounties Pts Kurt Warner 19 Clinton Portis 17 Garrison Hearst 13 Eddie Kennison 18 Peerless Price 10 "Angry Ed" McCaffrey 5 Jeremy Shockey 7 James Tuthill 4 Colts 30 105 East Coast Killah Bees Pts Aaron Brooks 47 Ricky Williams 25 Shaun Alexander 5 Torry Holt 21 Marty Booker 20 Isaac Bruce 6 Freddie Jones 7 Jason Elam 14 Buccaneers 37 Faulk in a Pickle MAYBERRY--Two days after waxing poetic about the hospitality of Mayberry, Circus Bears GM William Shatner may have been cursing it. Having come up short in the "Who's Going to be the Team to Lose to the Fifes" pool, Shatner was about to explain where Marshall Faulk disappeared to in the second quarter, when Marcus Robinson stepped in to field the question. "I don't need to explain to BFL fans the importance of the Mayberry Pickle Festival. Apparently, Aunt Bea asked Marshall to critique her kerosene gherkins which were alledgedly 'god awful.' Instead of leaving well enough alone, Marshall offered to help Bea perfect the recipe, sampling each batch until, at kickoff, he'd eaten 752 pickles." Faulk will get an MRI, but team doctors diagnosed his problem as "totally fucking up his digestive tract beyond all recognition. No seriously, if you looked at an x-ray, you'd think it was a topographical map of Afghanistan." Faulk may miss next week's game if a cybernetic intestine cannot be perfected by gametime. 45 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 41 Marshall Faulk 9 Stephen Davis 7 Qadry Ismail 11 Terry Glenn 7 Keenan McCardell 1 Shannon Sharpe 0 Mike Hollis 5 49ers 26 78 Mayberry Fifes Pts Brad Johnson 27 Eddie George 18 Michael Bennett 11 James Thrash 15 Curtis Conway 13 Keyshawn Johnson 7 Eric Johnson 4 Martin Gramatica 9 Chargers 36 Brady Scores a Bunch LAS VEGAS--Less than a week after Drew Bledsoe broke the 400 yard passing mark for the Griftes, Tom Brady did it against the Grifters. Brady's day usurped Bledsoe's as the second most prolific day by a quarterback in team history, but he wasn't alone in putting points on the scoreboard. "What the hell was that?" a dazed Rod Gardner muttered, standing alone on the field two hours after the game was over. "I heard this roar and the next thing I knew it was 120-7." Gardner was given next week off for psychological evaluation. Former Grifter running back Lamar Smith haunted his old team with outrushing Edgerrin James and Deuce McAllister combined and scoring twice. Smith dedicated the performance to Grifters GM Jake Bell who openly laughed when the Mennonites took Smith in the 2002 draft. 149 West Coast Mennonites Pts Tom Brady 66 Lamar Smith 29 LaDainian Tomlinson 27 Eric Moulds 21 Rod Smith 20 Willie Jackson 7 Marcus Pollard 3 Adam Vinatieri 9 Patsies 48 86 Sin City Grifters Pts Drew Bledsoe 39 Edgerrin James 13 Deuce McAllister 7 Kevin Johnson 15 Randy Moss 5 Rod Gardner 2 Bubba Franks 19 Joe Nedney 4 Packers 33 Priest Reads Last Rites TOLEDO--Trade offers started rolling into the Judge's email inbox before the score was even final. Sports tickers on the bottoms of screens reading, "WV: P. Holmes-180 rushing yards, 3 TDs" chummed the waters, but Bell shrugged them off. "We haven't won, but we're only one victory away from a playoff berth." West Virginia, a week away from having a its league record twelve game win streak snapped, took out its frustration on the Neanderthal, the team that beat out the Woolfs for the preseason number one ranking. "Damn ranking," Bell muttered. "I'm thinking of not trading anyone and just playing this team all season to show everyone what the preseason ranking really means." Holmes, Week One's Player of the Week, nearly grabbed the honor again and declared he would only "really try" on odd numbered weeks. The Woolfs immediately lobbied to have the Bucco Bruce Bowl rescheduled for the fifteenth or seventeenth week of the season. 138 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Donovan McNabb 58 Priest Holmes 39 Travis Henry 12 Amani Toomer 10 David Boston 6 Chris Chambers 6 Wesley Walls 6 Ryan Longwell 15 Dolphins 39 65 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Brett Favre 44 Michael Pittman 12 Corey Dillon 10 Marvin Harrison 15 Darrell Jackson 10 Ike Hilliard 7 Chad Lewis 4 Jeff Wilkins 2 Rams 14

Player of the Week Tom Brady West Coast Mennonites Week Three Team Pts Tom Brady, WC 66 Priest Holmes, WV 39 Lamar Smith, WC 29 Troy Brown, BOS 33 Torry Holt, EAST 22 Eric Moulds, WC 22 Bubba Franks, SIN 19 Ryan Longwell, WV 15 Dolphins, WV 39 Disappointment of the Week Jeff Garcia Boston Lagers All-Dissappointment Team Pts Jeff Garcia, BOS 4 Shaun Alexander, EAST 5 Stephen Davis, BAK Deuce McAllister, SIN 7 Keenan McCardell, BAK 1 Jabar Gaffney, PBLO 2 Rod Gardner, SIN 2 Shannon Sharpe, BAK 0 Jeff Wilkins, TOL 2 Bears, BOS Rams, TOL 14