Week Six

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Bakersfield comes up short on prediction

93 76 King of the Other Mountain Too DALLAS, TEXAS--Last season, the West Coast Mennonites defied the predictions of the media and fans by winning the McKay Division and securing the bye in the first round of the playoffs. Realignment sent them to the Williams Division this season, though they seem to just be picking up where they left off. With back-to-back wins against Toledo and Texas, the Mennonites have given themselves a two game lead in a division where no one else is over .500. The latest win also came against the consensus favorite to repeat as BFL champion. Payton Manning, in his first BFL start, performed well above expectations, though Coach Nicholson Dressed in a Marine Uniform implied Flavor Favre would return to the lineup next week. West Coast Mennonites Pts Texas Sexists Pts Chris Chandler 43 Payton Manning 34 Fred Lane 0 Jerome Bettis 11 Robert Edwards 27 Robert Holcombe 2 Tim Brown 8 Rod Smith 25 Jerry Rice 11 Irving Fryar 3 Joey Galloway 10 Yancey Thigpen 2 Tony McGee 0 Frank Wychek 4 Adam Vinatieri 16 Jason Elam 3 Buffalo Bills 8 Tennessee Oilers 22

Player of the Week Carl Pickens Bakersfield Circus Bears 13 catches for 204 yards and a TD all while beating the only undefeated team left seems like Player of the Week credentials. Runners-up Robert Edwards - Outscores Texas RBs by himself, placing Mennonites firmly at top of division. Antowain Smith - 2 TDs and 130 rushing yards should make Corey Dillon nervous. Terrell Davis - 200+ yards and a TD... what else is new?

Week Six Team Pts Steve Young, Bakersfield 53 Robert Edwards, West Coast 27 Terrell Davis, Sin City 26 Carl Pickens, Bakersfield 33 Rod Smith, Texas 25 Darnay Scott, Boston Keenan McCardell, Mayberry 22 Ben Coates, Tangerine 14 Adam Vinatieri, West Coast 16 Cardinals, Tangerine 46 All-Dissappointment Team Pts Glenn Foley, Mayberry 0 (-3) Lamar Smith, Toledo 1 Fred Lane, West Coast 0 Jermaine Lewis, Waterworld 1 Ed McCaffrey, Athens 1 Andre Rison, Sin City 1 Karl Williams, Tangerine 0 Mark Bruener, Mayberry Kyle Brady, Toledo Tony McGee, West Coast 0 Gary Anderson, Waterworld Andre Hastings, Boston Michael Husted, Tangerine 0 Saints, Waterworld 2

67 89 Budget Cuts Continue, So Do Wins LAS VEGAS, NEVADA--Jake Bell's budget cuts became even more apparent at this week's game when players were forced to wear their practice uniforms after they were informed Bell had auctioned off all their regular uniforms "for charity." Bell declined to name the charity, but made it clear there was no money available to purchase new uniforms. The concession stands came under the attack of concerned patrons who claimed the beers were water with yellow food coloring and the hot dogs were really just ballons full of wet sawdust. "For $27, I expect a better quality hot dog than this!" said Shawn Michaels, a Grifter season ticket holder who asked not to be identified. Health inspectors looked into the claims and confirmed all the accusations. They praised Sin City management, saying, "These are probably the healthiest hot dogs in the BFL." Bell continues to deny there is any kind of budgetary crisis on the team, which is expected to gross $460 million this year, nearly three times as much as any other professional sports team. Toledo Neanderthal Pts Sin City Grifters Pts Danny Kanell 22 Mark Brunell 32 Garrison Hearst 20 Terrell Davis 16 Lamar Smith 1 Jamal Anderson 16 Terrance Mathis 15 Jimmy Smith 3 James Jett 13 Wayne Chrebet 7 Keyshawn Johnson 9 Andre Rison 1 Kyle Brady 0 Ricky Dudley 3 Norm Johnson 10 John Carney 7 Pittsburgh Steelers 6 Seattle Seahawks 23

55 56 Foley Seconds Leaf's Motion FLOATING RANDOMLY ABOUT THE INDIAN OCEAN--For only the second time in the history of the BFL, the negative scoring rule had to be used. Glenn Foley scored -3 points in his first BFL start, putting him in a elite group including himself and Ryan Leaf as its only members. Had Foley scored even one point, the Fifes would have won the game. After not leaving town following last week's loss to the Tarpons, the Fifes are remaining quiet as they thank the heavens for those same Tarpons who seem determined not to let Mayberry slip into last place. On another note, Eric Zeier became the fifth quarterback to start for the Wombats in the last six weeks. He was the second (Charlie Batch was the first) to win a game. Mayberry Fifes Pts Waterworld Wombats Pts Glenn Foley 0* Eric Zeier 30 Tiki Barber 13 Natrone Means 20 Charlie Garner 10 Eddie George 14 Keenan McCardell 22 Mike Pritchard 18 Shawn Jefferson 3 Tony Martin 9 Charles Johnson 3 Jermaine Lewis 1 Mark Bruener 0 Eric Green 3 John Hall 6 Gary Anderson 0 Oakland Raiders 39 New Orleans Saints 2 *BFL rules prevent a player from scoring negative points. Foley's unadjusted score would have been -3.

Disappointment of the Week John Elway Athenian Woodchucks Losses in return after sitting out for last month. Sores less than half his couterpart, Steve Young. Runners-up Andre Rison - One catch? One friggin' catch? Yancey Thigpen - Franchise receiver shut down by Mennonite DBs in Texas's chance to take division lead. Mayberry Fifes - Yeah, all of them. Tony McGee - This is the guy who is supposed to replace future Hall of Famer Chris "The Great" Gedney? Eric Kramer - Gets start over Kordell and Bledsoe, throws 4 INTs and losses a fumble.

By the Numbers 56 Steve Young's average score over last 3 weeks. 45 Fifes' and Tarpons' QBs total scores over last 3 weeks. 17 Percentage of total points of all RBs earned by Terrell Davis and Jamal Anderson. 3 Difference in number of kickers on Tarpon bench (3) and points earned by Michael Husted (0). 1 Wins needed by Lagers to set new franchise record. 0-2 Woodchucks combined record in Week 6's.

29 48 Teams Play, Winner Decided BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS--The battle of the cellar dwellers was finally decided as Boston came out on top, despite all efforts on Eric Kramer's part toward the opposite. Kramer was named the week six starter over Drew Bledsoe and Kordell Stewart and responded with five turnovers, 4 interceptions and one fumble. Not all the backups who were given a shot at starting disappointed though. Antowain Smith and Darnay Scott carried their team to the victory in relief of Corey Dillon and Randy Moss. The Tarpons... continue being the Tarpons.   Tangerine Tarpons Pts Boston Slammin' Lagers Pts Warren Moon 21 Eric Kramer 12 Emmitt Smith 14 Antowain Smith 25 Adrian Murrell 8 Ricky Watters 11 J.J. Stokes 4 Darnay Scott 22 Karl Williams 0 Marvin Harrison 15 Ike Hilliard 6 Frank Sanders 6 Ben Coates 14 Cameron Cleeland 3 Michael Husted 0 Andre Hastings 0 Arizona Cardinals 46 San Francisco 49ers 38