|
Fifes Reunite With Former Coach
BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS--Mayberry may have been on the road, but the team felt right at home thanks to the hospitality of former head coach A Man Who Kind of Resembles Pele if You Squint Just Right. "It's like homecoming," smiled Mayberry receiver Reggie Wayne, "but without the tacky floats and we don't have to rent tuxedos or take girls to a dance just to make an appearance even though we'd rather be at home with our friends playing Playstation."
Further confusing
110
| Mayberry Fifes | Pts |
| Gus Frerotte | 7 |
| Priest Holmes | 26 |
| Chris Perry | 20 |
| Steve Smith | 22 |
| Terry Glenn | 10 |
| Reggie Wayne | 16 |
| Randy McMichael | 4 |
| Shayne Graham | 7 |
| Cowboys | 30 |
| 
49
| Caribbean Yachtsmen | Pts |
| Drew Bledsoe | 28 |
| Tiki Barber | 7 |
| Steven Jackson | 10 |
| Torry Holt | 10 |
| Derrick Mason | 13 |
| Keenan McCardell | 3 |
| Daniel Graham | 1 |
| John Carney | 7 |
| Patsies | 2 |
|
Wayne's comments beyond the obvious blather was the fact Wayne was still in high school when A Man Who Looks Enough Like Pele that if You Saw Him at the Store You'd Stop and Stare for a Minute Before You Were Certain was coaching for the Fifes organization.
Mayberry was a less than gracious guest, however, taking away a commanding victory, thanks in no small part to running back Chris Perry who made an inviting target out of the backfield for Gus Frerotte, catching 9 balls and scoring a touchdown.
"We knew Perry would be a great fit for this team," explained head coach Barry Sanders, "because on NCAA 2004, he's awesome. Wayne Fontes won the Heisman with him." Priest Holmes, on the other hand, scored two touchdowns, prompting the Fifes to issue a statement that he owed them two more.
On hand for a ceremonial coin toss, classic TV funnyman and best friend to Fifes GM Don Knotts Andy Griffith announced, after the game, his intention to produce a new sitcom about a soccer player who gets hired to be a professional football coach and the hilarity that ensues when it's realized that American football and football in the rest of the world are two different things. "I've had a successful TV show or two," smiled Griffith, "and I know funny when I see it."
Griffith promised the show would actually feature jokes and material related to the coach being a soccer player as opposed to just declaring a soccer player as head coach of a team, insisting it's funny, and never following up on the terrific plot potential through the entire first half of the season as some writers might be prone to do.
Mounties Defy Critics, Logic
MOOSE RIVER, MANITOBA--No team is hotter than the Moose River Mounties and no one is more surprised about it than the Moose River Mounties.
"Aw, shucks," Mounties owner Ryan Lindstrom shrugged, "I know this team isn't much, but we have some rookie running backs who should make great retainees for next year. Plus, with my master plan in place, we should be able to draft Peyton Manning as long as we lose to West Coast." When Lindstrom was informed his team has actually won three straight games and was the highest scoring team in the BFL, his face lost all color. "But I thought... with the Fonz... I hired the guy from Law & Order... we should be--"
Lindstrom then excused himself to call his "bookie--er... keeper."
Division leading Toledo was tagged with the loss despite quality efforts from a number of players, including Willis McGahee, who rushed for 143 yards. "It was like walking into a buzzsaw," McGahee sighed with disbelief. "I mean, we kind of thought we could get a couple touchdowns and spend the rest of the day buying government-subsidized prescription medication, but every time we scored, they'd come right back. The only souvineers I'll have to take back to my family is a couple of loonies I got at a toll booth."
85
| Toledo Neanderthal | Pts |
| Matt Hasselbeck | 23 |
| Jamal Lewis | 7 |
| Willis McGahee | 24 |
| Deion Branch | 12 |
| Joe Jurevicius | 10 |
| Joey Galloway | 21 |
| Jerramy Stevens | 3 |
| Jeff Wilkins | 9 |
| Seahawks | 18 |
| 
126
| Moose River Mounties | Pts |
| Jake Delhomme | 21 |
| Lamont Jordan | 24 |
| Tatum Bell | 21 |
| Plaxico Burress | 5 |
| Santana Moss | 35 |
| David Givens | 16 |
| Jason Witten | 14 |
| Lawrence Tynes | 8 |
| Bears | 24 |
|
Moore Wins More
ATHENS, GREECE--A week after seeing the league's record long winning streak broken, the Woolfs wasted no time starting another. "Let's just call that number seventeen in a row," suggested West Virginia coach Michael Moore, insisting his personal win streak stay in tact as he'd been removed from the field at halftime of last week's loss to Toledo and was, in turn, not responsible for the outcome.
Despite the win, Moore was highly criticized by Woolfs fans for showing favoritism to his recently-revealed illigitimate son Mewelde Moore. Father Moore not only started his son in the spot normally held by Charleston mayor and McArthur Grant recipient Julius Jones, but also called exclusively running plays throughout the game, giving West Virginia's three starting wide receivers with a total of one catch for five yards.
For the entire third quarter, Moore even forced running back Shaun Alexander to wear the younger Moore's jersey while playing in an attempt to have some of Alexander's 141 yards and four touchdowns credited to his son.
"Who are you to judge the love a man has for his football-playing bastard child?" Moore intoned scornfully. "For shame, America... for shame."
89
| West Virginia Woolfs | Pts |
| Carson Palmer | 35 |
| Shaun Alexander | 39 |
| Mewelde Moore | 13 |
| Randy Moss | 0 |
| Chris Henry | 1 |
| Shaun McDonald | 0 |
| Todd Heap | 17 |
| Nate Kaeding | 9 |
| Dolphins | 12 |
| 
72
| Athenian Woodchucks | Pts |
| Drew Brees | 23 |
| Clinton Portis | 14 |
| Curtis Martin | 22 |
| Jimmy Smith | 5 |
| Chris Chambers | 8 |
| Eddie Kennison | 0 |
| Tony Gonzalez | 2 |
| Jay Feely | 10 |
| Buccaneers | 25 |
|
| |
So Close...
BEVERLY HILLS--The Mennonites nearly pulled off their first win since 2003, but a fourth quarter rally left them on the losing side of the field for the unprecedented--and some would say unbelievable--19th straight game. "Oh, did we lose again?" asked head coach Mike Ditka. "I don't recall asking you. How about we ask the two-time BFL coach of the year? He says you should all shut up and just trust him."
To know how close the game was, you needed only to look to the visiting owner's box in the closing minutes and see it vacant. Grifters owner Jake Bell had vowed to sell the team if the Mennonites broke their losing skid. Shortly after seeing Kevin Jones on the sidelines with his arm in a sling, Bell grabbed a contract finalizing the sale and left the game.
What he missed, however, was a late rally spurred by rookie receiver Kevin Curtis's 57-yard touchdown reception. In turn, Kevin Jones returned once doctors were certain his shoulder wasn't seperated and Marvin Harrison capped the win with a touchdown catch in the waning seconds.
"See," argued Ditka, "I say if he sells the team, that's an admission that the Grifters lost and we should be awarded the win." He then thrust his fists in the air and sang Queen's "We are the Champions" as he has after every game since Bucco Bruce Bowl VII.
54
Sin City
Grifters | Pts |
| Steve McNair | 16 |
| Kevin Jones | 4 |
| Stephen Davis | 2 |
| Chad Johnson | 23 |
| Marvin Harrison | 10 |
| Kevin Curtis | 15 |
| Antonio Gates | 3 |
| John Kasay | 3 |
| Steelers | 25 |
| 
49
West Coast
Mennonites | Pts |
| Kerry Collins | 11 |
| LaDainian Tomlinson | 38 |
| Larry Johnson | 6 |
| Antwaan Randle-El | 4 |
| Ashley Lelie | 8 |
| Michael Jenkins | 3 |
| Chris Baker | 0 |
| Jason Elam | 4 |
| Falcons | 22 |
|
| Food Poisoning Leaves Seaside Sick
BAKERSFIELD, VT--Bakersfield may have lost its match up with bad seafood, but came out on top against bad Seaside. The Circus Bears had to sit their entire Eagles defensive unit--which coincidentally just happened to be named Disappointment of the Week last weekend--and running back Corey Dillon.
In Dillon's place, Marshall Faulk made his first of... one... maybe two "I'm not retired yet" appearances. Faulk, who once terrified defensive coordinators at the very mention of his name, rushed for 17 yards and dove across the goal line for a meaningless two-point conversion. "I'm gonna be feeling that one tomorrow morning," Faulk chuckled, patting his ice-packed hamstring before getting out his reading glasses and going back to his cross-stitching. "What time does Murder She Wrote come on in this time zone?"
With Terrell Owens sitting out, Seaside could never get it's passing game going. Jerry Porter led all Squid receivers with five catches and 63 yards, more than Michael Clayton and Amani Toomer combined.
"Do I look concerned?" laughed Squid GM Billy Dee Williams. "In this division, I figure five wins is probably enough to make the playoffs." Upon noting his team was more than halfway to the arbitrary goal, Williams declared drinks were "on Alge" and dove into a kettle of fermenting Dave's Devil Brew.
74
Seaside
Squid | Pts |
| Trent Green | 26 |
| Edgerrin James | 36 |
| Rudi Johnson | 15 |
| Michael Clayton | 3 |
| Jerry Porter | 9 |
| Amani Toomer | 2 |
| Alge Crumpler | 7 |
| Adam Vinatieri | 8 |
| Colts | 14 |
| 
97
Bakersfield
Circus Bears | Pts |
| Peyton Manning | 31 |
| Domanick Davis | 13 |
| Marshall Faulk | 8 |
| Muhsin Muhammad | 8 |
| Brandon Stokley | 6 |
| Eric Moulds | 17 |
| Jeremy Shockey | 19 |
| Mike Vanderjagt | 9 |
| Jaguars | 32 |
|
|
|
Chris Perry
Mayberry Fifes
|
Week Six Team |
Pts | |
Carson Palmer, WV |
35 | |
Shaun Alexander, WV |
39 | |
LaDainian Tomlinson, WSCT |
38 | |
Santana Moss, MOOS |
35 | |
Chad Johnson, SIN |
23 | |
Steve Smith, MAY |
22 | |
Jeremy Shockey, BAK |
19 | |
Jay Feely, ATH |
10 | |
Jaguars, BAK |
32 |
|
Disappointment of the Week |
Patsies Defense
Caribbean Yachtsmen
|
All-Dissappointment Team |
Pts | |
Gus Frerotte, MAY |
7 | |
Stephen Davis, SIN |
2 | |
Kevin Jones, SIN |
4 | |
Eddie Kennison, ATH |
0 | |
Shaun McDonald, WV |
0 | |
Randy Moss, WV |
0 | |
Chris Baker, WCST |
0 | |
John Kasay, SIN |
3 | |
Patsies, CAR |
2 |
|
