Standings

It's Over! Mennonites Win! BEVERLY HILLS--In a rematch of West Coast's last victory, the Mennonites finally were able to walk away with a win, narrowly avoiding extending the BFL's longest losing streak beyond its teens. The eight point victory over Bakersfield marked the first time the Mennonites walked off the field with a win since the 2003 Bucco Bruce Bowl, also against the Circus 51 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 29 Domanick Davis 16 Ahman Green 7 Anquan Boldin 1 Donald Driver 21 Brandon Stokely 2 Jeremy Shockey 5 Mike Vanderjagt 8 Eagles 27 59 West Coast Mennonites Pts Kerry Collins 26 LaDainian Tomlinson 5 Larry Johnson 17 Nate Burleson 5 Ashley Lelie 9 Michael Jenkins 1 L.J. Smith 10 Jason Elam 13 Falcons 38 Bears. "Nineteen straight losses ?" smiled head coach Mike Ditka. "Not everyone can do something like that. Truly I am the most accomplished BFL coach in history. Have you seen my Bucco Bruce Bowl ring? Steve Young doesn't have one of these. No sir-ree-bob." Bakersfield head coach Steve Young angrily clenched his teeth and shook his fist, reluctantly admitting Ditka was correct. "Why do you even keep talking to that crazy old man?" he muttered. Oddly enough, the Mennonites only win came in LaDainian Tomlinson's worst game since week four of the 2003 season, with only seven yards gained on the ground. In fact, until well into the fourth quarter, Tomlinson had negative rushing yardage. "If I'd known that's what it would take to turn things around," Tomlinson shrugged, "I would have half-assed it a long time ago." Holmes Blamed for Loss MAYBERRY, NC--The narrowest of victories dropped Mayberry to the bottom of the standings while separating West Virginia from the rest of the pack. One point made all the difference and when the game was over, all Fife fingers were pointed in one direction. "One point? Priest Holmes couldn't score us one point?" sighed general manager Don Knotts. "Why are we paying him?" Holmes, who managed 90 yards rushing and two touchdown despite being given only half an hours notice before the game's kickoff was changed from Sunday at 1PM to Friday night, shook his head in disbelief. "Maybe I really am the problem," he sadly whispered. "I should have known the game time was changed. Coach Fontes swears he told me." The Woolfs win, combined with Toledo's loss to the Yachtsmen, gave them a two game edge on the rest of the McKay Division. "Six wins? That's almost one for every injured receiver we're carrying," laughed team doctor Heathcliff Huxtable as he treated Brandon Jones, the newly signed receiver who sprained his knee, and Robert Ferguson, who wasn't even playing but still managed to twist his ankle. 71 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Carson Palmer 17 Shaun Alexander 6 Mewelde Moore 15 Hines Ward 11 T.J. Houshmandzadeh 13 Brandon Jones 12 Todd Heap 11 Nate Kaeding 5 Lions 32 70 Mayberry Fifes Pts Donovan McNabb 24 Priest Holmes 23 Mike Anderson 18 Reggie Wayne 14 Rod Smith 6 Terry Glenn 6 Randy McMichael 4 Shayne Graham 7 Cowboys 19 Yachtsmen Bring Destruction TOLEDO--Fleeing Hurricane Wilma, the Yachtsmen came to Toledo, but proved just as destructive as the storm itself, at least to the Neanderthal's record. "We love soccer," clarified Yachtsman receiver Torry Holt, who was unable to play because he was laughing so hard at the realization his head coach was actually a soccer player. "Blah blah blah, you know the drill by now. Hilarious." Without Marc Bulger, who was lost last week and will be gone for up to a month, the Neanderthal offense sputtered. The result only confirmed the media's naming of Bulger as the MVP of the first half of the season. In reaction to the loss and the Bulger announcement, Matt Hasselbeck was listed as doubtful for next weeks games with "hurt feelings." Receiver Joe Jurevicius also indicated he'd sit out in a show of solidarity with his quarterback and he isn't alone. Tight end Jerramy Stevens and the Seahawks defense are also joining in the sit-out, and injured receiver Darrell Jackson indicated he'd likely take the week off if he weren't already out of the lineup as it is. Owner Gene Bell took the new in stride. "You say we've got a revolution?" he smiled, "You know it's gonna be... alright." 60 Caribbean Yachtsmen Pts Drew Bledsoe 8 Steven Jackson 24 Tiki Barber 18 Torry Holt 0 Derrick Mason 4 Keenan McCardell 13 Ernie Conwell 0 John Carney 5 Redskins 29 37 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Matt Hasselbeck 16 Jamal Lewis 5 Willis McGahee 10 Keyshawn Johnson 11 Joe Jurevicius 9 Antonio Bryant 2 Jerramy Stevens 9 Jeff Wilkins 4 Ravens 12 Grifters Celebrate Injury-less Game MOOSE RIVER, MANITOBA--Josh McCown walked off the field with just 140 yards passing, an interception, and a 42% completion rate. "But he walked off!" cheered quarterbacks coach Mark Brunell. With four minutes to go and their team trailing Moose River by 40 points, the Grifters laughingly told the paramedics manning the ambulance on the sidelines to take the rest of the day off. "It's like a dream come true," coach Brian Billick choked after the 43-point loss, his eyes welling with tears. "A full week without losing someone to injury... I guess Xmas arrived early this year." For the fourth week in a row, Moose River not only won, but finished as the highest scoring team of the week. Running back Lamont Jordan led the way with three touchdowns and 122 yards rushing. At this rate, Jordan, who was once dubbed by one BFL owner as "worse than ball cancer" on the condition of anonymity, trails only LaDainian Tomlinson and Shaun Alexander for All-BFL first team honors. 87 Sin City Grifters Pts Josh McCown 11 Kevin Jones 9 Willie Parker 20 Chad Johnson 10 Marvin Harrison 17 Az Hakim 18 Antonio Gates 18 Todd France 9 Steelers 15 130 Moose River Mounties Pts Brett Favre 37 Lamont Jordan 36 Tatum Bell 8 Plaxico Burress 17 Santana Moss 19 Larry Fitzgerald 15 Jason Witten 5 Neil Rackers 8 Bears 25 Seaside Eyes Postseason SEASIDE, AZ--With its second win over Athens in four weeks, Seaside is already thinking about the playoffs. The loss drops Athens to 2-5, but more importantly to the Squid, the tiebreaker now rests in Seaside. "In effect," explained general manager Billy Dee Williams, "we have a three game lead on them instead of just two. If that's not worth a celebratory drink, I don't know what is." He then stabbed an IV directly from one of the brewery's fermenting vats into his left arm, shouting, "Playoffs!" While the Woodchucks have not been eliminated from the playoffs, their fifth straight loss had them scrambling to find positives about the season. "Say what you want," coach John Elway smiled, "but at least we're not the Mennonites and we don't have the longest losing streak in the league. What? The Mennonites won? So we have the longest... crap..." 70 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Jake Plummer 23 Clinton Portis 29 Curtis Martin 12 Eddie Kennison 3 Chris Chambers 15 Brandon Lloyd 4 Tony Gonzalez 11 Jay Feely 8 Browns 14 97 Seaside Squid Pts Trent Green 20 Edgerrin James 26 Rudi Johnson 8 Terrell Owens 16 Jerry Porter 6 Amani Toomer 18 Alge Crumpler 8 Jeff Reed 9 Colts 35

Player of the Week Falcons Defense West Coast Mennonites Week Seven Team Pts Brett Favre, MOOS 37 Lamont Jordan, MOOS 36 Clinton Portis, ATH 29 Donald Driver, BAK 21 Santana Moss, MOOS 19 Az Hakim, SIN 18 Antonio Gates, SIN 18 Jason Elam, WCST 13 Falcons, WCST 38 Disappointment of the Week Jamal Lewis Toledo Neanderthal All-Dissappointment Team Pts Drew Bledsoe, CAR 8 Jamal Lewis, TOL 5 LaDainian Tomlinson, WCST 5 Torry Holt, CAR 0 Anquan Boldin, BAK 1 Michael Jenkins, WCST 1 Ernie Conwell, CAR 0 Jeff Wilkins, TOL 4 Ravens, TOL 12