107

117

Keeping up with The Smiths BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS--Boston has made no secret of their quest to remove the Williams Division crown from the Mennonites' collective head, where it has rested for the last two years. In week two, it didn't West Coast Mennonites Pts Donovan McNabb 40 Jamal Anderson 22 Stephen Davis 14 Cris Carter 20 Jimmy Smith 1 Troy Brown 9 Tony Gonzales 19 Adam Vinatieri 5 Rams Defense 21 Boston Lagers Pts Peyton Manning 30 Curtis Martin 35 Mike Anderson 20 Rod Smith 31 Randy Moss 11 Torry Holt 6 Jackie Harris 1 Paul Edinger 4 Titans Defense 23 happen, thanks to a record shattering performance by receiver Jimmy Smith. However, as the site shifted, so did the momentum. This time Rod was the Smith no one could stop, catching three touchdowns and keeping the Lagers atop the Williams. A Lagers loss would have tied the team with West Coast and Toledo. Coach Bill Walsh wasn't satisfied with the win though. "I don't think we'll truly convince people that we're for real until we win the Williams Division. That's fine by me. It's just something extra to motivate this team." He added, "Want Charlie Garner? Anyone?" Sadly, it was Jimmy Smith who disappointed his team, succumbing to a knee injury in the first quarter after only one catch. He didn't return, though x-rays proved negative. The Mennonites didn't go down easily though. Despite the loss of Smith, former Lager Donovan McNabb continued his great season, and in the view of many, outplayed Peyton Manning. "There's no question that the Mennonite-Lager rivalry is one of the greatest in the BFL," Manning grinned after the game. "To finally beat them, in front of all our fans, is the icing on the cake."

67 88 Killah Bees Get Stung MAYBERRY, NORTH CAROLINA--The emperor, upon further review, is fully clothed. At the beginning of the season, Mayberry GM Don Knotts promised his team would at least split with all their McKay Division-mates. At least, that's what we think he promised. No one could quite hear him over the other owners' guffaws. Knotts put up another notch today, accomplishing the sweep. It stands beside the earlier goal achieved of winning three games, which would mark an improvement over last season. After the game, East Coast coach Bill Belichick and his team sat in stony silence while waiting for the bus to return them to the airport. A win would have tied them for the McKay division lead with Mayberry and Moose River. Instead, they found themselves in third, two games out of the lead and only a game ahead of Athens with the toughest part of their schedule ahead of them. Already some are predicting a collapse in New Jersey allowing the Woodchucks or the Grifters to slip into the third playoff spot. Belichick denied this would happen, pointing out, "Just because every other team I've coached in my career has fallen apart when the pressure was on, doesn't mean this one will too!" East Coast Killah Bees Pts Rob Johnson 27 Edgerrin James 41 Tim Biakabutuka 1 Eric Moulds 22 Tim Brown 10 Isaac Bruce 8 Wesley Walls 7 Matt Stover 5 Bills Defense 30 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Brian Griese 40 Eddie George 24 Lamar Smith 0 David Boston 19 Ed McCaffrey 13 Keenan McCardell 6 Freddie Jones 0 Jason Elam 16 Jets Defense 54

Player of the Week Jeff Garcia Toledo Neanderthal 4 TDs avenge loss to Woolfs in Beckley Week Eight Team Pts Jeff Garcia, TOL 54 Marshall Faulk, BAK 42 Edgerrin James,EAST 41 Rod Smith, BOS 31 Terrell Owens, BAK 27 Eric Moulds, EAST 21 Tony Gonzales, WCM 19 Jason Elam, MAY 16 Jets, MAY 54

Disappointment GRIFTER of the Week Sin City Grifters All of them... dear God, ALL OF THEM. All-Dissappointment Team Pts Steve Beuerlein, BAK 6 Lamar Smith, MAY 0 Tim Biakabutuka, EAST 1 Albert Connell, ATH 0 James McKnight, MOOS 0 Frank Sanders, WV Jimmy Smith, WCM 1 Ricky Dudley, ATH 0 Jeff Wilkins, TOL 1 Jaguars, SIN 4

73 99 Garcia Makes Neanderthal Grateful, Far From Dead TOLEDO, OHIO--Four weeks ago, owner Gene Bell relived old childhood nightmares as his team visited Beckley, West Virginia. Sadly, they weren't dispelled as the Neanderthal left with a loss. Sunday, owner Rick Lord relived an old acid flashback from a Grateful Dead concert as he watched Garcia and his band "Truckin'." This time, it was Jeff rather than Jerry Garcia and Lord didn't get his ass kicked by any Hell's Angels. "At least it was Jeff Wilkins who got hurt," Lord sighed, sharing his only point of comfort. "I can't afford to put any more guys on the injured list. My fans are poor rednecks and I have a NASCAR team to support. There isn't enough revenue to pay guys not to play." Jeff Garcia's player of the week performance has added more fuel to the quarterback contraversy fire coach Sam Rutigliano has been trying to avoid since drafting Brett Favre. West Virginia Woolfs Pts Elvis Grbac 32 Emmitt Smith 14 Kevin Faulk 11 Jeremy McDaniel 6 Terry Glenn 5 Frank Sanders 1 Chad Lewis 17 Al Del Greco 9 Rednecks Defense 27 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Jeff Garcia 54 Tyrone Wheatley 19 James Allen 14 Antonio Freeman 21 Marcus Robinson 12 Amani Toomer 3 Kyle Brady 2 Jeff Wilkins 1 Ravens Defense 22

52 105 Karma: Ain't it a Bitch? MOOSE RIVER, CANADA--The Grifters used to be good. Now they aren't. The Mounties are though. Not that you can really judge by this game. After all, you don't have to be good to beat the Grifters any more. Just ask Athens or West Virginia. They sure as hell aren't good, but they treated Sin City like a redheaded stepchild. Sigh... Sin City Grifters Pts Mark Brunell 19 Tiki Barber 10 Jerome Bettis 10 Derrick Alexander 10 Terrance Wilkins 7 Derek Mason 10 Frank Wychek 14 John Carney 6 Jaguars Defense 4 Moose River Mounties Pts Kurt Warner 40 Ricky Williams 33 Jamal Lewis 6 Marvin Harrison 15 Jerry Rice 11 James McKnight 0 Ben Coates 1 Morton Andersen 3 Giants Defense 34

69 64 Another Faulk-in' Win ATHENS, GREECE--Many expected the Circus Bears to have success this season behind Marshall and Terrell. Sunday, they had success behind Marshall and Terrell, but it wasn't Terrell Davis, but Terrell Owens. "If Terrell Davis were healthy," an anonymous Circus Bears official said before, during, and after the game to anyone who was too polite to tell him they weren't really listening, "we'd be 9-0." When told Bakersfield has only played seven games, he acknowledged he knew that. Sadly, the win was tainted by the tragedy which struck Bakersfield when the reserve pudding tanks on the team compund burst and flooded the city. A death toll has yet to be estimated. Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Steve Beuerlein 6 Marshall Faulk 42 Larry Centers 9 Terrell Owens 27 Donald Hayes 9 Shawn Jefferson 3 Shannon Sharpe 7 Cary Blanchard 2 Patsies Defense 13 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Duante Culpepper 32 Napolean Kaufman 13 Ricky Williams 4 Joe Horn 18 Wayne Chrebet 3 Albert Connell 0 Ricky Dudley 0 Ryan Longwell 7 Broncos Defense 36

---

Standings

McKay Division W L T Pts Mayberry Fifes 6 1 0 940 Moose River Mounties 5 2 0 950 East Coast Killah Bees 4 3 0 947 Athenian Woodchucks 3 4 0 801 Sin City Grifters 1 5 0 721

Williams Division W L T Pts Boston Lagers 5 2 0 1059 Toledo Neanderthal 4 3 0 852 West Coast Mennonites 3 4 0 837 Bakersfield Circus Bears 2 5 0 844 West Virginia Woolfs 2 5 0 803