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Knotts a Bad Season Opener
MAYBERRY, NC--In a game dedicated to the memory of late Mayberry general manager Don Knotts, his namesakes did him proud. The Fifes came away with a convincing win over the defending Williams Division champion Circus Bears thanks to a rejuvinated Donovan McNabb.
McNabb, who missed the end of the 2005 season with a sports hernia, showed no signs of lingering injury. When notified he'd been named Player of the Week, he
76
| Bakersfield Circus Bears | Pts |
| Peyton Manning | 25 |
| Corey Dillon | 10 |
| Ahman Green | 15 |
| Andre Johnson | 12 |
| Donte Stallworth | 22 |
| Isaac Bruce | 9 |
| Jeremy Shockey | 14 |
| Neil Rackers | 10 |
| Panthers | 5 |
| 
104
| Mayberry Fifes | Pts |
| Donovan McNabb | 42 |
| Willie Parker | 14 |
| Reuben Droughns | 2 |
| Reggie Wayne | 8 |
| Rod Smith | 5 |
| Terry Glenn | 9 |
| Heath Miller | 17 |
| Josh Brown | 12 |
| Chargers | 41 |
|
refused the honor, instead passing the title on to Don Knotts. "He was out there in all of us," McNabb sniffled. "And I don't mean just in our hearts and minds. Before every game this season, we're all sharing a smoothie that's full of bananas, protein powder, raspberries, a pinch of Don Knotts' ashes, and yogurt."
Some people went so far as to say they saw Knotts on the field during tight end Heath Miller's 87-yard touchdown catch. Replays appeared to show Miller stepping out of bounds at the five yard line, but when Circus Bears coach Steve Young attempted to throw a challenge flag, it was instead picked up and tied around his neck as a stylish kerchief.
"Oh, yeah," grunted Peyton Manning as he dressed without showering, not having broken a sweat, "these guys were tough. Whew! I tells ya, it was like running into a bandsaw tonight." Manning, a longtime fan of Don Knotts on a team full of Don Knotts admirers, denied his team may have let the Fifes have this one for the headlines, but did suggest, "This season is thirteen games long and no one goes undefeated."
West Coast Hype
BEVERLY HILLS--The Mennonites lived up to their preseason hype, where they were nearly the first team unanimously voted the preseason coaches' poll favorite. The only thing preventing that honor from being bestowed was the fact half the coaches never bothered to turn in their polls.
"I won't lie to you," Mounties coach Arthur Fonzarelli sighed, "that team is good and they can still get better." Fonzarelli pointed to the lackluster Colts defensive unit--one of last year's top squads--which let Mounties quarterbck Kurt Warner put up his best stat line in three years.
92
Moose River
Mounties | Pts |
| Kurt Warner | 42 |
| Lamont Jordan | 2 |
| Reggie Bush | 17 |
| Plaxico Burress | 16 |
| Troy Williamson | 9 |
| Mark Clayton | 3 |
| Todd Heap | 8 |
| Lawrence Tynes | 4 |
| Cowboys | 5 |
| 
125
| West Coast Mennonites | Pts |
| Eli Manning | 25 |
| LaDainian Tomlinson | 23 |
| Larry Johnson | 16 |
| Marvin Harrison | 16 |
| Anquan Boldin | 14 |
| Ernest Wilford | 6 |
| L.J. Smith | 9 |
| Jeff Wilkins | 21 |
| Colts | 9 |
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Champs Turn Chumps
CHARLESTON, WV--The championship banner unfurled from the rafters of the Woolf Den to cheers from the home crowd, which was eyeing a three-peat. Unfortunately, the cheers didn't last much longer than the opening kickoff.
Despite a dismall performance by Springfield quarterback Brett Favre, one of the worst afternoons of his career, West Virginia could not stop the Atoms' running game nor get their own going with any consistency. Shaun Alexander, the league's most valuable player last sesason, was even treated to a few boos as he managed to grab only 51 yards on the ground and lost a fumble.
71
Springfield
Atoms | Pts |
| Brett Favre | 2 |
| Tiki Barber | 20 |
| Steven Jackson | 17 |
| Torry Holt | 12 |
| Donald Driver | 13 |
| Bernard Berrian | 11 |
| Chris Cooley | 2 |
| Jay Feely | 3 |
| Seahawks | 21 |
| 
55
West Virginia
Woolfs | Pts |
| Carson Palmer | 10 |
| Shaun Alexander | 4 |
| Mike Bell | 17 |
| Terrell Owens | 17 |
| Derrick Mason | 7 |
| Moose Muhammad | 12 |
| Ben Troupe | 2 |
| David Akers | 7 |
| Cardinals | 9 |
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| |
61
Athenian
Woodchucks | Pts |
| Marc Bulger | 12 |
| Brian Westbrook | 22 |
| Thomas Jones | 8 |
| Chris Chambers | 8 |
| Nate Burleson | 3 |
| Antonio Bryant | 11 |
| Tony Gonzalez | 21 |
| Rian Lindell | 7 |
| Redskins | 5 |
| 
84
Sin City
Grifters | Pts |
| Jon Kitna | 16 |
| Cadillac Williams | 8 |
| Willis McGahee | 10 |
| Chad Johnson | 9 |
| Larry Fitzgerald | 17 |
| Roy Williams | 5 |
| Antonio Gates | 9 |
| Adam Vinatieri | 15 |
| Bengals | 31 |
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|
44
Seaside
Squid | Pts |
| Tom Brady | 14 |
| Edgerrin James | 16 |
| Rudi Johnson | 16 |
| Santana Moss | 9 |
| Lee Evans | 3 |
| Jerry Porter | 0 |
| Alge Crumpler | 10 |
| Shayne Graham | 12 |
| Jaguars | 16 |
| 
79
Toledo
Neanderthal | Pts |
| Matt Hasselbeck | 21 |
| Chester Taylor | 19 |
| Frank Gore | 28 |
| Randy Moss | 7 |
| Javon Walker | 5 |
| Joey Galloway | 0 |
| Ben Watson | 6 |
| John Kasay | 9 |
| Bears | 36 |
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Don Knotts
Mayberry Fifes
|
Week One Team |
Pts |
Donovan McNabb, MAY
Kurt Warner, MOOS |
42 | |
Frank Gore, TOL |
28 | |
LaDainian Tomlinson, WC |
23 | |
Donte Stallworth, BAK |
22 | |
Larry Fitzgerald, SIN |
17 | |
Terrell Owens, WV |
17 | |
Tony Gonzalez, ATH |
21 | |
Jeff Wilkins, WC |
21 | |
Chargers, MAY |
41 |
|
Disappointments of the Week |
Shaun Alexander
West Virginia Woolfs
|
All-Dissappointment Team |
Pts | |
Brett Favre, SPR |
2 | |
Reuben Droughns, MAY |
2 | |
Lamont Jordan, MOOS |
2 | |
Joey Galloway, TOL |
0 | |
Jerry Porter, SEA |
0 | |
Three Tied with |
3 |
Chris Cooley, SPR
Ben Troupe, WV |
2 | |
Jay Feely, SPR |
3 | |
Three Tied with |
5 |
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