Standings

Revenge Will Be Even Colder MOOSE RIVER, MANITOBA--Revenge is a dish best served cold, warned Moose River general manager Khan Noonien Singh prior to the Monday Night opener. If that's true, Mounties fans can only imagine how great it will be when they get a chance to serve it next season. Considering the Circus Bears and Mounties are in different divisions 88 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 32 Domanick Davis 3 Corey Dillon 22 Muhsin Muhammad 9 Anquan Boldin 8 Donald Driver 7 Jeremy Shockey 9 Mike Vanderjagt 6 Eagles 22 78 Moose River Mounties Pts Brian Griese 23 Tatum Bell 5 Lamont Jordan 14 Larry Fitzgerald 29 Plaxico Burress 16 Santana Moss 10 Jason Witten 1 Sebastian Janikowski 2 Panthers 8 that will be the first time these teams meet again barring a rematch in the Bucco Bruce Bowl. Surprising to many, however, was how close Moose River--a consensus pick for last place in preseason polling--managed to keep the game, thanks in no small part to the play of second-year receiver Larry Fitzgerald. "I take a lot of pride in my play no matter what the so-called 'experts' think of my team," Fitzgerald sneared, punctuating the word "experts" with tiny air quotes. "I'm just hoping I can use my skills to help my team win a championship. "Of course, if that team winds up being somewhere else and wants to trade for me, I can live with that too." Fitzgerald then handed out his agent's business card to anyone within reach. Bakersfield general manager William Shatner shook his fist and bit his upper lip upon completion of the game, holding the pose for a few moments. "Get it?" he shrugged to reporters. Disappointed, he dropped the pose and shook his head. "It was supposed to be that face I made in Wrath of Khan when we dropped the Reliant's shields and hit them with the photon torpedoes. Remember? Would it have been better if I'd made a joke about Brian Griese being a poor marksman who keeps... missing the target? No, I didn't think so either. Can somebody promise me I won't have to do this again until next year?" Pennington Shoulders Blame CHARLESTON, WV--Upon hearing the Grifters name former Woolf Chad Pennington their starting quarterback, West Virginia general manager and head coach Michael Moore all but guaranteed a victory for his team. "Is it fair to tell your fans that a player is fully recovered from offseason surgery when obviously he's not?" Moore asked no one, contemplating a documentary about Pennington called "Disarmed." The Grifters got their season off to a rocky start after an offseason full of promise. In addition to six fumbles by Pennington, receiver Javon Walker was lost for the season with a torn ACL. "Torn?" an angry Brian Billick shouted. "I don't see how you define that as torn." In fact, Walker's tendon was sliced in half by a straight razor-wielding redneck as part of West Virginia's halftime show. Additionally, Dallas Clark decided not to play and Roy Williams, jealous of Clark and Walker getting time off, decided to stop catching passes partially into the third quarter. 46 Sin City Grifters Pts Chad Pennington 15 Deuce McAllister 20 Kevin Jones 10 Chad Johnson 16 Javon Walker 5 Roy Williams 2 Dallas Clark 0 Mike Nugent 1 Steelers 25 73 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Carson Palmer 30 Shaun Alexander 7 Julius Jones 19 Randy Moss 21 Hines Ward 3 Lee Evans 7 Todd Heap 6 David Akers 5 Cardinals 23 Won if by Sea BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS--The BFL's newest franchise got off to a strong start, leaning on a strong receiving corps to notch a victory over the Squid at the Bitter End Yacht Club. Fans, who were able to see the game from the decks of their yachts, we very emotional about their team's debut. "What is this nonsense?" Phillip Figglesworth Rogaine IV asked through clenched teeth as he tried to steer his vessel around the football field erected on the docks. "We're all out of tonic and now I have to contend with this?" Torry Holt, Derrick Mason, and Keenan McCardell combined for two touchdowns on 27 catches and nearly 350 yards of receiving. Seaside however, couldn't get its own passing game going, failing to put a receiver in the end zone. "We're playing on a field nailed to the end of a dock with big boats bunping into it every five minutes," Terrell Owens complained. "If you go about a yard and a half out the back of the end zone, you'll fall into the water, which is ridiculous." Owens refused to comment on his own home stadium and its whale tank behind the end zone where Adam Vinatieri was once swallowed. 54 Seaside Squid Pts Trent Green 11 Edgerrin James 12 Rudi Johnson 20 Terrell Owens 14 Michael Clayton 7 Jerry Porter 6 Alge Crumpler 7 Adam Vinatieri 6 Bengals 14 80 Caribbean Yachtsmen Pts Daunte Culpepper 7 Tiki Barber 12 Steven Jackson 9 Torry Holt 18 Derrick Mason 14 Keenan McCardell 29 Eric Johnson 0 Jason Hanson 5 Redskins 29 More of the Same BEVERLY HILLS--After becoming the first team in BFL history to ring up a winless season, West Coast continued its record setting ways by losing its 14th straight game. "We in the Mennonites organization strive to be the best at everything," coach Mike Ditka proudly announced, clutching a badly damaged Culverhouse Cup. Ditka explained while stroking the trophy that the Mennonites were "holding onto the Cup" for the champion West Virginia Woolfs until owner Rick Lord "got settled into his new place." "Fourteen straight losses!" a proud Tom Brady shouted to his locker room. "Let's keep it up guys!" "You have to admire what they're doing over there," Woodchucks coach John Elway grinned, before stopping to think about what he was really saying. "Wait a minute," he corrected. "No, you don't. You don't have to admire--what the...? Fourteen losses? Not even the Tarpons were that bad!" 62 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Jake Plummer 10 Curtis Martin 9 Clinton Portis 12 Jimmy Smith 28 Laveranues Coles 10 Chris Chambers 10 Tony Gonzalez 7 Ryan Longwell 5 Buccaneers 33 45 West Coast Mennonites Pts Kerry Collins 30 LaDainian Tomlinson 13 T.J. Duckett 7 Marvin Harrison 11 Nate Burleson 6 Charles Rogers 3 L.J. Smith 4 Jason Elam 4 Giants 29 Bulger Battles for Toledo MAYBERRY, NC--The Neanderthal let go of franchise quarterback Daunte Culpepper reluctantly this offseason, worried about who could fill his shoes under center. After one game, Marc Bulger convinced the team there is nothing to worry about. Despite an uncharacteristically poor performance by the Ravens defense--no, I mean really poor. I don't think you're grasping how bad they really were. Seriously, look at the box score. Yup, goose egg!--and just 51 yards of rushing from Jamal Lewis, Bulger led all BFL quarterbacks in passing yards and hit both Darrell Jackson and Deion Branch for touchdown strikes. "Marc Bulger is bigger than Jesus," claimed coach Sam Rutigliano, who then showed a translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls that claims Jesus was 5'6" and weighed 140 pounds. 113 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Marc Bulger 38 Jamal Lewis 6 Willis McGahee 15 Darrell Jackson 16 Joe Horn 9 Deion Branch 19 Jermaine Wiggins 6 Jeff Wilkins 15 Ravens 0 95 Mayberry Fifes Pts Donovan McNabb 12 Priest Holmes 15 Fred Taylor 9 Steve Smith 24 Andre Johnson 4 Reggie Wayne 7 Randy McMichael 15 Shayne Graham 9 Chargers 11

Player of the Week Marc Bulger Toledo Neanderthal Week One Team Pts Marc Bulger, TOL 38 Corey Dillon, BAK 22 Rudi Johnson, SEA Deuce McAllister, SIN 20 Larry Fitzgerald, MOOS 29 Keenan McCardell, CAR 29 Jimmy Smith, ATH 28 Randy McMichael, MAY 15 Jeff Wilkins, TOL 15 Buccaneers, ATH 33 Disappointments of the Week Ravens Defense Toledo Neanderthal All-Dissappointment Team Pts Daunte Culpepper, CAR 7 Domanick Davis, BAK 3 Tatum Bell, MOOS 5 Roy Williams, SIN 2 Charles Rogers, WCST 3 Andre Johnson, MAY 4 Dallas Clark, SIN Eric Johnson, CAR 0 Mike Nugent, SIN 1 Ravens, TOL 0