|
RBs Overshadow Moss Return
CHARLESTON, WV--For the first time since high school, Randy Moss took the field in West Virginia for the home team. Despite pulling in two touchdowns for his new team while sending the team who'd named him a franchise player just last year to a defeat, Moss was a secondary story by the end
80
|
Moose River Mounties | Pts | |
Brett Favre |
21 | |
Quentin Griffin |
33 | |
Chris Brown |
11 | |
Ike Hilliard |
6 | |
Donte Stallworth |
5 | |
Reggie Williams |
2 | |
Todd Heap |
14 | |
John Hall |
10 | |
Patsies |
11 |
| 
122
|
West Virginia Woolfs | Pts | |
Michael Vick |
16 | |
Shaun Alexander |
35 | |
Ahman Green |
31 | |
Randy Moss |
19 | |
Laveranues Coles |
4 | |
Javon Walker |
4 | |
Antonio Gates |
16 | |
Lawrence Tynes |
8 | |
Bills |
22 |
|
of the game.
Woolf running backs Shaun Alexander and Ahman Green combined for six touchdowns and nearly 250 yards rushing, while the Mounties backfield added three more scores and another 256 yards.
"What about Randy?" Moss asked, interrupting a one-on-one interview between Green and a Japanese television station. "I was raised in West Virginia! I deserve some kind of credit for not having killed myself by the time I was 14, much less being the greatest receiver in the history of the football."
Moss went on to explain to the Land of the Rising Sun that he would be an elm tree if given the opportunity. West Virginia, preseason favorites to win it all, is already 25% of the way to tying last year's win total
Olympian Effort
ATHENS, GREECE--With the Olympics finally out of the way, residents of Athens were excited to celebrate the return of real sports. "Jeezus, if I had to listen to one more 'world class athlete' crybaby whine about everything he had to overcome to make it to the preliminary rounds of archery, I was going to blow out my own bursa sac," gasped assistant coach Mick Foley, who ironically tore his MCL during the interview. "Friggin' NBC."
The shootout between Daunte Culpepper and Donovan McNabb proved to be the BFL's top game of the week. Culpepper's five touchdowns throws, however, weren't enough to overcome the combined performance of McNabb's three TD passes and Priest Holmes three on the ground.
"Five touchdowns from Daunte, [Domanick] Davis proves he's not going to have a sophomore slump, and Isaac Bruce shows everyone who thought he was too old how wrong they were," Neanderthal coach Sam Rutigliano sighed, "and we still get the loss? Nope. You're going to have to come up with something better than that if you want to surprise me."
100
Toledo
Neanderthal | Pts | |
Daunte Culpepper |
58 | |
Domanick Davis |
23 | |
Jamal Lewis |
5 | |
Isaac Bruce |
22 | |
Darrell Jackson |
13 | |
Derrick Mason |
6 | |
Bubba Franks |
3 | |
Josh Brown |
3 | |
Rams |
14 |
| 
110
Athenian
Woodchucks | Pts | |
Donovan McNabb |
51 | |
Priest Holmes |
35 | |
Kevan Barlow |
6 | |
Jimmy Smith |
9 | |
Rod Gardner |
8 | |
Peerless Price |
8 | |
Boo Williams |
3 | |
Matt Stover |
4 | |
Titans |
33 |
|
|
A Long Way to Fall
BEVERLY HILLS--LaDainian Tomlinson and Adam Vinatieri were awarded their Bucco Bruce Bowl rings during a pregame ceremony and admitted they felt lonely. The remainder of last year's championship team is gone and no one will be accused of mistaking the 2004 Mennonites for last year's edition.
Clinton Portis set the tone for the new Beaver State franchise with a 64 yard touchdown rush on the opening drive of the season. "This is obviously going to be a tough division," quarterback Steve McNair admitted after being held to less than 80 yards passing, "but a win against the defending champs is a great way to put ourselves on the right track."
The victory wasn't without controversy, though, as protesters demonstrated outside the Hollywood Bowl. "The name, the image of the logo, there is nothing about the Beaver State Woodies I don't find offensive," sneared Harold Smitty. "I've never attended a football game nor bought any football related merchandise since I really don't like the game, but if I did it certainly wouldn't be to support a misogynistic organization like the Woodies."
92
Beaver State
Woodies | Pts | |
Steve McNair |
14 | |
Clinton Portis |
27 | |
Brian Westbrook |
16 | |
Marvin Harrison |
15 | |
Torry Holt |
13 | |
Koren Robinson |
5 | |
Kellen Winslow |
6 | |
Jeff Wilkins |
11 | |
Redskins |
31 |
| 
77
West Coast
Mennonites | Pts | |
Tom Brady |
42 | |
LaDainian Tomlinson |
21 | |
T.J. Duckett |
1 | |
Keyshawn Johnson |
16 | |
David Givens |
9 | |
Justin McCareins |
9 | |
Marcus Pollard |
0 | |
Adam Vinatieri |
10 | |
Buccaneers |
15 |
|
|
Too Bad to Lose
MAYBERRY, NC--"If there's a bright side," Grifters coach Marv Levy searched, "it's that we can hope everyone got their 'bad' game out of the way and we didn't suffer a loss for it."
In a game neither team was good enough to win, but apparently neither was bad enough to lose either, the Fifes and Grifters battled to a 67-67 tie. Some fans might have been disappointed by the indecisive end to the game, but most were just happy to have it end.
"In the fourth quarter," Fifes fan Howie Pruitt yawned, "when Steve Smith had a chance to win it and broke his leg instead... I was wondering what I was doing with my life. I'm not getting any younger, you know."
Number one draft pick and former Grifter Deuce McAllister fell far short of expectations, killing two critical drives with fumbles and rushing for just 57 yards. Fred Taylor and rookie Kevin Jones, however, did little to stake their claims as a backfield to be reckoned with, combining for just 97 rushing yards and one catch out of the backfield.
71
Sin City
Grifters | Pts | |
Matt Hasselbeck |
24 | |
Kevin Jones |
6 | |
Fred Taylor |
6 | |
Chad Johnson |
17 | |
Andre Johnson |
7 | |
Santana Moss |
7 | |
Dallas Clark |
5 | |
David Akers |
8 | |
Ravens |
14 |
| 
67
Mayberry
Fifes | Pts | |
Jake Plummer |
27 | |
Duce Staley |
10 | |
Deuce McAllister |
5 | |
Hines Ward |
13 | |
Steve Smith |
10 | |
Chris Chambers |
8 | |
Itula Mili |
2 | |
Mike Vanderjagt |
6 | |
Vikings |
11 |
|
| Owens: QBs Overrated
SEASIDE, AZ--Trent Green got the starting nod over Marc Bulger, but their stat lines still look pretty similar. Despite having a one-to-nothing lead in the "games played" column, Green leads Bulger by less than 200 yards passing and is tied for touchdowns thrown. That's not to say the Squid passing game suffered for Green's poor showing.
In fact, Terrell Owens racked up Player of the Week honors for the first time in his career after scoring on three of his eight catches. "Trent Bulger, whoever the hell that was stinking up the joint, I'm so good I can catch TDs from nobody," Owens growled. "I'm sick of not having won a title since the season before last! This year is all about TO, baby!"
Bakersfield coach Steve Young deflected comments about his team's narrow loss and defensive collapse. "Um, how many times did we beat the Grifters last year? How many was it? So, shut up, reporter guys! We're going to win the championship and the whole league is going to fold because we're such a threat the rest of the owners can't stand it."
66
Bakersfield
Circus Bears | Pts | |
Peyton Manning |
24 | |
Marshall Faulk |
17 | |
Travis Henry |
10 | |
Eric Moulds |
16 | |
Amani Toomer |
6 | |
Reggie Wayne |
3 | |
Jeremy Shockey |
4 | |
Jay Feely |
3 | |
Eagles |
16 |
| 
71
Seaside
Squid | Pts | |
Trent Green |
5 | |
Edgerrin James |
12 | |
Rudi Johnson |
10 | |
Terrell Owens |
30 | |
Joe Horn |
13 | |
Plaxico Burress |
1 | |
Jason Whitten |
4 | |
Jason Elam |
12 | |
Dolphins |
17 |
|
|
|
Terrell Owens
Seaside Squid
|
Week One Team |
Pts | |
Daunte Culpepper, TOL |
58 | |
Shaun Alexander, WV |
35 | |
Priest Holmes, ATH |
35 | |
Terrell Owens, SEA |
30 | |
Isaac Bruce, TOL |
22 | |
Randy Moss, WV |
19 | |
Antonio Gates, WV |
16 | |
Jason Elam, SEA |
12 | |
Titans, ATH |
36 |
|
Disappointments of the Week |
Jamal Lewis
Toledo Neanderthal
|
All-Dissappointment Team |
Pts | |
Trent Green, SEA |
5 | |
T.J. Duckett, WC |
1 |
Jamal Lewis, TOL
Deuce McAllister, MAY |
5 | |
Plaxico Burress, SEA |
1 | |
Reggie Williams, MOOS |
2 | |
Reggie Wayne, BAK |
3 | |
Marcus Pollard, WC |
0 |
Josh Brown, TOL
Jay Feely, BAK |
3 | |
Vikings, MAY |
13 |
|
