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Crappy Birthday to You LAS VEGAS, NEVADA--The Grifter players wanted to get their owner and general manager something special for his 25th birthday. They agreed that a win against the division leaders would be the perfect gift. With three touchdown tosses by quarterback Mark Brunell and 250 yards rushing and 4 TDs by Ricky Watters and Errict Rhett, all that seemed to be missing was one of those sticky-backed bows that your uncle always winds up wearing on his head before the party is over. But then someone invited the Honolulu Headbangers.
The Jaguars defense held Brunell's receivers in check and sacked the quarterback nine times. Kevin Hardy even sneezed on Bell's cake. Honolulu's offense was able to keep up with Sin City's and eventually overwhelmed them. "I thought these guys used to be the Tangerine Tarpons," groaned Grifter defensive lineman Cortez Kennedy, referring to the Headbangers' previous life as the team that mustered only three wins in two years in Mesa, Arizona. The win clinched a playoff berth for Honolulu, the first in the franchise's history. |
 Greg Hill Bakersfield Circus Bears Three yards. That's only nine feet more than you had.
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BEIJING, CHINA--After a month beneath the waves, the Wombats surfaced. Their reaction to life on dry land caused the front office concern. The Wombats will finish their season with three straight road games. "That's ridiculous," Coach Sam Wyche said, "Everyone's looking for an excuse for why we're winning. No one wants to admit we're that good." Many teams feel the depressurized air of Stade Atlantis give Waterworld an unfair advantage, but the Wombats were 2-1 prior to this game and the loss was by one point to defending Bucco Bruce champs, Sin City. Beijing's victory put them alone in second place of the Williams Division. Emmitt Smith scored two touchdowns, but fractured his hand on the latter and left the game. His status for next week is uncertain.
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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS--It started with Deion last year. Charles Woodson followed suit earlier this season. Craig Newsome didn't even wait until he put his Lagers jersey on for the first time before he joined the Boston tradition of defensive backs guaranteeing victory. The Lagers are now 3-0 when that happens. "When did they sign that guy?" asked Woodchuck Public Relations Director Mick Foley. Newsome and the 49er defense were signed on Saturday night, just hours before the game and they looked like it. Unfamiliar with any of Dwaine Board's defensive schemes, they managed only one sack and forced no turnovers. Still, the offense, led by Peyton Manning and over 300 yards rushing from Curtis Martin and Charlie Garner, was capable of overcoming the defense's incompetence.
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TOLEDO, OHIO--In nine games, the Mayberry Fifes have only two wins. If they go undefeated for the remainder of the season, they'll still be under .500 and going undefeated isn't very likely. They've scored less points than any team in the league They're still only a half game out of a playoff berth. Such is life in the McKay Division where a sub-.500 playoff team is all but guaranteed. Unless the Woodchucks win out and finish 6-6-1, the third team will have a losing mark. Even the second place Grifters will have to go 3-1 over the final four weeks to save the division the embarassment of having two losing teams in the playoffs.
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