Week Four

56

107

The Job is Bledsoe's to Lose

146 50 Moving On... BERLIN, GERMANY--Yancey Thigpen finally showed why he was one of the three players retained by owner Rick Lord last season. Flavor Favre completed five TD passes, two to Thiggy. Favre is 3-1 as a starter this season, finally escaping the shadow of his dismal 1-5 record last season. The performance of the Sexists is particularly impressive considering Coach Jack Nicholson in a Marine Uniform didn't hold a practice this week, instead allowing his men some "shore leave." It was widely reported most Sexist players spent their time in the beer gardens of Germany figuring there wasn't much chance they'd ever come back. "I might never be here again," explained Craig Newsome. "Even if they do decide to stay here for the rest of the season, the only way we'd get to come back would be if they make the playoffs, which isn't going to happen." Jeff George was the only member of the Airlift available to speak after the game. Most other players were talking to their real estate brokers and U-Haul. "You guys in the media just don't get it. When you have fans like these, you can't be expected to win. Maybe we just expect too much out of these 'Krauts." When asked if the team would finish the season in Germany, George sneared, "I'm never playing a down in this country." Owner "Hollywood" Chris Holly promised to address the media about his team's future in Europe later in the week. He implied the teams problems were rooted in a loss of focus and increased expectations from fans everywhere they went. He promised a return to a simpler time. Texas Sexists Pts Berlin Airlift Pts Flavor Favre 63 Jason Garrett 18 Jerome Bettis 15 Barry Sanders 18 Robert Holcombe 24 Tiki Barber 1 Yancey Thigpen 26 Keenan McCardell 16 Irving Fryar 8 Jake Reed 4 Rod Smith 2 Charles Johnson 3 Frank Wychek 2 Dave Moore 1 Jason Elam 8 Matt Stover 8 Green Bay Packers 19 Minnesota Vikings 2

Player of the Week Duce Staley Athenian Woodchucks Scores 3 TDs to lead upset the top ranked Grifters. Runners-up Brett Favre - 5 TD passes on stomach full of weinerschnitzel and German beer. Steve Young - Racks up 65 points in BFL's version of "Kick the Cripple," playing the Tarpons.

Week Four Team Pts Steve Young, Bakersfield 65 Duce Staley, Athens 28 Marshall Faulk, Bakersfield 28 Jerry Rice, Tangerine 33 Terrance Mathis, Toledo 29 Carl Pickens, Bakersfield 29 Mark Chmura, Toledo 17 John Carney, Sin City 12 Lions, Bakersfield 45 All-Dissappointment Team Pts Drew Bledsoe, Boston 0 Eddie George, Waterworld 3 Tiki Barber, Berlin 1 Charles Johnson, Berlin 3 Eddie Kennison, Bakersfield 3 Jimmy Smith, Sin City 3 Rod Smith, Texas 2 Alfred Pupunu, Tangerine 0 Morton Andersen, Tangerine 2 Vikings, Berlin 2

90 111 No Holds Barred ATHENS, GA--It was bloody, ugly, physical, and resembled football in little to no manner. Barbed wire surrounded the field. The crowd threw objects onto the field at random and the players never hesitated to use them. "This is what football is all about!" a bloody Mick Foley smiled with his toothless mouth. The BFL front offices disagreed. Foley and Grifter receivers coach Terry Funk both may face suspension for this game. Harkening back to their wrestling days in Japan, Funk and Foley included numerous stipulations into this weekend's match up. In addition to the barbed wire boundries and weapons, small landmines were planted in the field, triggered by weight and/or timers. The referees never really had control of the game as coaches continuously distracted them by walking onto the field, distracting them from vicious attacks going on behind their backs. "This is ridiculous," Jimmy Smith groaned as he held an ice pack to his temple. Smith had been forced into the barbed wire by Woodchuck defenders several times, even beyond the five yards past the line of scrimmage. On one occasion when he was able to get loose, he broke downfield with no one between him and the end zone. That is until Brian Cox, who was inactive for the game, greeted him with a steel folding chair across the helmet. Smith crumpled and lost the ball. The league has promised to look into disciplinary action for both sides after game tapes have been reviewed. Already plans are being made for added officials and further control for the week eight rematch in Las Vegas. Sin City Grifters Pts Athenian Woodchucks Pts Mark Brunell 29 Bubby Brister 35 Terrell Davis 20 Duce Staley 28 Jamal Anderson 22 Raymont Harris 6 Herman Moore 11 Chris Calloway 19 Brian Still 14 Ed McCaffrey 14 Jimmy Smith 3 Mushin Muhammed 9 Ricky Dudley 6 Tony Gonzalez 5 John Carney 12 Richie Cunningham 4 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 9 Denver Broncos 27

22 155 Circus Bears Allow Tarpons to Break 20 Point Ceiling BAKERSFIELD, VT--Ryan Leaf improved on last week's performance by scoring six points, a 22 point turn around. "It wasn't that tough," Leaf said. "They were just another 0-3 team, just like us." They were just another 0-3 team is the key. Tangerine finally scored all the points they meant to score the last three weeks. Of course, it was against the Tarpons. "It really felt good to finally get out there and play," Steve Young told any one who would listen. He failed to mention his great numbers were only against the Tarpons. Carl Pickens doused himself with champagne at his locker. In his celebration, he at no time drew any connection to his career highs in scoring and tthe fact he was only playing against the Tarpons. Jerry Rice managed to top all BFL receivers in scoring for the week, a fact the Lions defense neglected to bring up while partying the night away after accomplishing the "who cares" feat of shutting down the Tarpons. On a side note, the Circus Bears set BFL records for most total points in a game and widest margin of victory. Since it was only done against the Tarpons, though, no one really cares. Tangerine Tarpons Pts Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Ryan Leaf 6 Steve Young 65 Emmitt Smith 11 Marshall Faulk 28 Adrian Murrell 13 Terry Allen 21 Jerry Rice 33 Carl Pickens 29 Ike Hilliard 9 Michael Westbrook 17 Karl Williams 3 Eddie Kennison 3 Alfred Pupunu 0 Shannon Sharpe 10 Morton Andersen 2 Mike Hollis 9 Jacksonville Jaguars 27 Detroit Lions 45

Disappointment of the Week Drew Bledsoe Boston Slammin' Lagers Finally beats out Kordell Stewart for starting job, then sleeps through Sunday's game, forcing Boston to snap the ball to Ricky Watters and Corey Dillon. Runners-up Jimmy Smith - Despite training specifically for Mick Foley's style of football, is shut down by Athenian defense. When he does get the ball, he fumbles it. Can't even take a good chair shot. Tim Brown - Mennonites' franchise receiver continues to underwhelm. Former untouchable may soon be found on trade block.

56

72

Writer Comes Up Short While Summarizing Game