Standings

Woolfs Left Hungry CHARLESTON, WV--Most of the fans in attendance probably dismissed it as a side effect of four quarters of sipping moonshine, but the next morning the newspaper confirmed their drunken dillusion... or would have if people in West Virginia could read. The Mayberry Fifes, universally panned as the worst team in the league, took their second straight victory at the 112 Mayberry Fifes Pts Brad Johnson 36 Michael Bennett 15 Eddie George 10 Tim Brown 19 James Thrash 13 Keyshawn Johnson 8 Frank Wychek 6 Martin Gramatica 5 Chargers 17 64 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Donovan McNabb 26 Priest Holmes 21 Ahman Green 8 Chris Chambers 12 Amani Toomer 6 David Boston 3 Wesley Walls 0 Ryan Longwell 5 Dolphins 0 expense of the Woolfs. "If we're the worst team ever," asked a celebrating Eddie George, "what does that say about these jokers?" George set the tone for his team with an early touchdown that put the Woolfs on their heels. "Once Eddie scored and we took a lead," Fife receiver Tim Brown described, "something just clicked. We knew we could have this game." Helping out the Fifes was West Virginia's decision to run scoreboard graphics and music which encouraged fans to root for Mayberry. Woolf GM Joe Gibbs, believing his team plays best on the road, tried to give the impression the game was being played away from the Woolf Den. In fact, the scene was so similar to Mayberry, Woolfs' coach Cole Ford refused to come on the field after the half, fearful he'd be decapitated. "It was like the fishin' hole away from the fishin' hole," laughed running back Michael Bennett who marked the day by not being a complete embarrassment to the GM who drafted him for the first time in his career. "It's just a shame we can't play in the McKay Division all the time." Mayberry, the cellar dweller of the Williams Division, would be a playoff contender in the underachieving McKay. Shootout at Target PUEBLO--By the end of the game, the entire team was on their feet screaming for veteran QB Rich Gannon to chuck the ball just one more time. Gannon, who opened the season as a backup to the much touted Dante Caulpepper may have solidified a spot as a starter when he led the Peublo Prariedogs to a win over the Sin City Grifters Sunday. "This is just the first big win of many. I've been ready from day one to step in and take this team to the promise land," said Gannon who threw lazer beams all day and racked up four touchdown passes. As Gannon was carried off the field, even displaced starter Caulpepper himself acknowledged that Gannon was now the man, "I'll tell you I'll do whatever it takes to help this team win, and if that means being Rich's backup, that's what I'll do. Incidently, I heard that there's a Canadian team that might could use my skills." "This is a tough divisional loss for us to take," said Grifters quarterback Drew Bledsoe, who had a standout performance in a losing effort, nearly matching Gannon's performance on the day, and combining for the highest combined score of two opposing quarterbacks in a BFL game. "A third of the season is over and you don't get these early games back. When we look back, we're going to wish we had this one." Grifters Head Coach Marv Levy, who shook up the offense with a trick play wherein tight end Bubba Franks threw a touchdown to wideout Donald Driver, was nearly speechless following the game, insisting to the media that "it's not quite time to push the panic button yet", but that, "if we don't come up with a few wins in a row soon, things are going to get hairy late this season." 123 Sin City Grifters Pts Drew Bledsoe 61 Deuce McAllister 24 Jamel White 19 Donald Driver 25 Randy Moss 10 Kevin Johnson 4 Bubba Franks 15 Joe Nedney 1 Packers 25 126 Pueblo Prairiedogs Pts Rich Gannon 63 Charlie Garner 21 Tiki Barber 17 Hines Ward 15 Joe Horn 11 Robert Ferguson 8 Randy McMichael 3 Olindo Mare 13 Eagles 36 Cursed! MOOSE RIVER--"I never thought this could happen to me," said a dejected Kurt Warner, who sat holding his crushed pinky finger after the reigning Bucco Bruce Bowl MVP walked off to the sidelines following the Mounties loss to the Bakersfield Circus Bears Monday night. The much ballyhooed Curse of the Bucco Bruce Bowl MVP was finally visited upon Warner who will likely miss the rest of the season after several disappointing starts for the Mounties in which he managed only one touchdown pass. On the other side of the ball, the Bakersfield Circus Bears were searching for respect after a tough loss to Mayberry last week. "Hell, yeah we broke his finger," said Bears head coach Steve Young, puffing out his chest. "This is a message to the league!" Young made angry faces for the cameras before excusing himself to send a get well bouquet to Warner and his lovely wife and kid. The Mounties, who saw a glimmer of superstardom from rookie Clinton Portis last week, relied heavily on Fred Taylor, who had a fine performance including a 72 yard pass reception. Still Taylor saw his long standing running back record broken by Shaun Alexander of the East Coast Killah Bees in the Killah Bees victory over Toledo. "Congratulations to Shaun," said Taylor gracefully, "records are made to be broken. There's a lot of great backs in this league and I'm proud the record lasted as long as it did." 82 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Mark Brunell 14 Marshall Faulk 16 Emmitt Smith 6 Keenan McCardell 19 Marcus Robinson 7 Terry Glenn 2 Shannon Sharpe 14 Mike Hollis 12 Broncos 17 66 Moose River Mounties Pts Kurt Warner 0* Fred Taylor 29 Clinton Portis 10 "Angry Ed" McCaffrey 14 Peerless Price 10 Joey Galloway 2 Jeremy Shockey 7 Morton Andersen 14 Titans 8 *BFL rules do not allow for negative scoring. Kurt Warner's score would have been -3. Alexander the Great TOLEDO--There was chaos in the pressbox during the Toledo-East Coast game, as Shaun Alexander broke record after record and exploded for what was to be the greatest game a running back has ever played in the BFL. Alexander was a one man gang, scoring a league record five touchdowns in the first half of the game and leading the undefeated East Coast Killah Bees to a fourth straight victory. "I've been in this league a long time," said team Spiritual Advisor Bill Parcells,"and we all have our own opinions about this, but today, this team played better than any team I have ever seen. We could have beaten anyone today." Beaten for the fourth straight time in a season where preseason polls picked them to go all the way, the Toledo Neanderthal, in their first game of the post-Ritigliano-Era, were shellshocked. "What can you do against that?" remarked a puzzled Curtis Martin. "After last year when Shaun ran all over us and we managed to pull out a win anyhow, I thought I may never see anything like that again, and I'm glad', and then there it is. Five touchdowns." Lost in the performance of Alexander was Jerry Rice, who played like a man half his age, stepping up for 144 total yards receiving and outclassing the younger, more highly touted receiving corps of East Coast. "Jerry Rice, he's amazing. Amazing," said East Coast Killah Bees receiver Jimmy Smith, who managed only 1 catch on the day, "but even Jerry Rice never scored five freaking touchdowns in one day." Killah Bee Freddie Jones, who's tight end single game record was demolished by the Lagers Tony Gonzalez, and who was one of two "Freds" who had a record broken in the week's action, was not nearly as gracious as Fred Taylor in conceding the record. "You tell Tony Gonzalez to look at the standings. You can have every record you want Tony, you're still going home at the end of the season." 124 East Coast Killah Bees Pts Aaron Brooks 28 Shaun Alexander 54 Ricky Williams 20 Torry Holt 16 Marty Booker 9 Jimmy Smith 1 Freddie Jones 7 Jason Elam 6 Buccaneers 37 34 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Brett Favre 17 Michael Pittman 8 Curtis Martin 4 Jerry Rice 22 Darrell Jackson 6 Antonio Freeman 1 Chad Lewis 9 Jeff Wilkins 4 Rams 17 Lagers Languishing BEVERLY HILLS--It was an emmotional game for former Mennonite Tony Gonzalez, as he solidified his position as the greatest Tight End in BFL history with a record breaking performance, obliterating the record held by East Coast Killah Bee Freddie Jones two years ago. Unfortunately for Gonzo, it was in a losing effort largely in part to the failed efforts of Lagers third string Quarterback Jay Fieldler who threw away four interceptions. The West Coast Mennonites, largely behind the wheels of LaDainian Tomlinson and Lamar Smith, rolled in freight train fashion to a victory over the struggling Boston Lagers, and maintained their lead in the Williams Division. The Mennonites, a pre-season afterthought, have powered through the division and now appear to be playoff bound. "I have to say I'm glad for Gonzo picking up that record," said Mennonites coach Mike Ditka, "and frankly, I wouldn't mind seeing him back in the black and green when we hit playoff time." "It's not over for us," declared optimistic Lagers linebacker Brian Urlacher, "we're going to be a dangerous team at the end of the season when we get Jeff Garcia back on track. I wouldn't want to play us with the playoffs on the line." 94 Boston Lagers Pts Jay Fiedler 29 Anthony Thomas 6 Jerome Bettis 2 Derrick Mason 12 Andre Davis 4 Troy Brown 0 Tony Gonzalez 35 David Akers 10 Bears 24 109 West Coast Mennonites Pts Tom Brady 42 LaDainian Tomlinson 38 Lamar Smith 19 Eric Moulds 21 Rod Smith 9 Travis Taylor 1 David Sloan 1 Adam Vinatieri 2 Patsies 4

Player of the Week Rich Gannon Pueblo Prairiedogs Week Four Team Pts Rich Gannon, PBLO 63 Shaun Alexander, EAST 54 LaDainian Tomlinson, WC 38 Donald Driver, SIN 25 Jerry Rice, TOL 22 Eric Moulds, WC 21 Tony Gonzalez, BOS 35 Morton Andersen, MOOS 14 Buccaneers, EAST 37 Disappointment of the Week Dolphins Defense West Virginia Woolfs All-Dissappointment Team Pts Kurt Warner, MOOS -3 Warrick Dunn, BOS 0 Curtis Martin, TOL 4 Troy Brown, BOS 0 Antonio Freeman, TOL 1 Jimmy Smith, EAST Travis Taylor, WC 1 Wesley Walls, WV 0 Joe Nedney, SIN 1 Dolphins, WV 0