Standings W L T Pts Neanderthal 4 1 0 629 Fifes 3 2 0 593 Squid 2 3 0 559 Atoms 2 3 0 562 Woolfs 2 3 0 522 W L T Pts Mennonites 5 0 0 690 Grifters 2 3 0 547 Woodchucks 2 3 0 559 Mounties 2 3 0 523 Circus Bears 1 4 0 565

Mennonites Keep Steamrolling Through Division ATHENS--West Coast's fifth straight win to open the season tied the mark for the second best start in league history. Four other teams have gone 5-0 to start the season, two of them Athenian Woodchucks. 109 West Coast Mennonites Pts Eli Manning 28 LaDainian Tomlinson 13 Larry Johnson 19 Marvin Harrison 10 Anquan Boldin 15 Steve Smith 10 L.J. Smith 6 Jeff Wilkins 11 Colts 11 63 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Marc Bulger 32 Clinton Portis 7 Brian Westbrook 14 Chris Chambers 7 Antonio Bryant 4 Joe Horn 7 Tony Gonzalez 2 Rian Lindell 1 Redskins 3 "We were 5-0 in 1997 and 1998," recounted Socrates, the Woodchucks mascot through the tiny airhole in his colossal, plush head. "It's a great accomplishment, but no one who's started 5-0 has gone on to win the title." In addition to the two Woodchucks teams, the others who won their first five games were the 2003 Moose River Mounties and the 2003 Sin City Grifters, who went on to set the record by winning their first ten games. "Hey," shouted tight end Tony Gonzalez, who played on the 1998 Athens team, "why are you interviewing the guy in the stuffed woodchuck costume?" Toledo Defends Home TOLEDO--Defense wins championships. And it doesn't hurt during the regular season either. Toledo continues to stockpile wins on the backs of the Bears defense, moving into sole possession of the McKay Division lead. You won't hear much celebration in the Toledo locker room, however. "This is where we were this time last year," reminded running back Chester Taylor. The 2005 Neanderthal was 4-1 after five weeks, but went on to lose every game of the season from that point, finishing tied with West Coast for the worst record in football. As insurance against a similar slide, Matt Hasselbeck was packed in styrofoam and stored on a high shelf where no one can reach him without a step stool. On the topic of losing streaks, the loss was Springfield's third straight after winning its first two. "No need to panic," assured owner Hank Scorpio, "we're not even half way through the season and we're only two games out of first place. Just because you lose, doesn't make you a loser. You know what we need? A bunch of those posters of the kitten hanging from the tree branch with 'Just hang in there, baby' written on them--I'm going to put them in everyone's locker. Anyone know where I can get those? I'm going to try the poster district downtown." 60 Springfield Atoms Pts Brett Favre 20 Steven Jackson 13 Tiki Barber 16 Torry Holt 11 Donald Driver 4 Bernard Berrian 16 Todd Heap 4 Nate Kaeding 11 Steelers 11 87 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Rex Grossman 24 Chester Taylor 19 Frank Gore 18 Randy Moss 14 Braylon Edwards 4 Marquez Colston 5 Ben Watson 6 John Kasay 8 Bears 35 Missing Pieces Key to Win LAS VEGAS--After losing two straight games to teams without their star players, Sin City took to the field without team captain Chad Johnson, Deuce McAllister, Willis McGahee, or the Bengals defense and pulled out its first win since the season opener. "At long last, we've got a bead on how things are working this season," head coach Brian Billick announced. "The only way to win--unless you're West Coast--is to bench a portion of your starters who are clearly better than their back ups!" The Circus Bears locker room disagreed with Billick's assessment. "What a silly idea," head coach Steve Young shook his head, "you need to put your best players on the field at all times. Look no further than our loss of Ahman Green to injury and Andre Johnson to suspension for gambling. We sit two of our starters, we get tagged with a five point loss. Ridiculous." Young later announced Peyton Manning, Corey Dillon, and Domanic Rhodes would all sit out next weekend's game against Athens. 51 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 26 Corey Dillon 4 Domanic Rhodes 11 Keenan McCardell 6 Keyshawn Johnson 15 Isaac Bruce 3 Jeremy Shockey 1 Neil Rackers 10 Panthers 31 56 Sin City Grifters Pts Drew Brees 23 Cadillac Williams 14 Joseph Addai 9 Larry Fitzgerald 9 Roy Williams 1 Reggie Brown 16 Antonio Gates 12 Matt Stover 3 Broncos 25 Nancies Get None MOOSE RIVER--Already wearing black armbands memorializing late general manager Don Knotts, the Fifes dedicated this game to the memory of Buck O'Neil, Negro League great, by renaming the team and all its players "Nancy." The name came from Satchel Paige's nickname for O'Neil, the story behind which is one of adultery and deception and was told to Canadian children at halftime. "I don't know a lot about this Nancy guy," admitted Joe Jurevicius as he looked at his league minimum paycheck, "but maybe the BFL should consider some kind of segregation... I mean just for a few years. After I retire they can go back to the way things are now." Moose River bounced back from a close loss to Bakersfield, allowing general manager Khan to lift his owner's imposed ban on talking to the media. "Ahhhh... my bravado... (deep inhale)... is at long last displayed again for the BFL to witness... (chuckle). Beware the Moose for his antlers can be deadly as they impale those ahead of him in the standings." When it was pointed out that moose antlers are blunt and cannot impale anything, Khan attempted to amend his statement to be about how mounties always get their man. 71 Mayberry Fifes Pts Nancy McNabb 32 Nancy Parker 15 Nancy Foster 13 Nancy Wayne 10 Nancy Glenn 9 Nancy Jurevicius 4 Nancy Miller 3 Nancy Andersen 0 Nancies 2 87 Moose River Mounties Pts Brad Johnson 23 Ronnie Brown 7 Lamont Jordan 10 Plaxico Burress 17 Troy Williamson 2 Mark Clayton 6 Kellen Winslow 11 Lawrence Tynes 13 Dolphins 15 T.O. Returns SEASIDE, AZ--Terrell Owens, the name most associated with Seaside football since the team's inception, returned to his old home in a new uniform, just a week removed from a suicide attempt that Owens claims was just a desperate cry for attention. The homecoming ended with an event Owens had become accustomed to during his previous two years in a sea green and vomit uniform, a Squid victory. Owens, who many Seaside fans expected to see reclaimed in the draft, was greeted by cheers and organized chants by the crowd, most of which didn't notice the game had even started until the third quarter. "I can't imagine a sweeter greeting," Owens smiled, wiping a tear. "I've always put the fans first and foremost in my mind and it's really great to feel this love." Unfortunately, for all the love Owens felt, the Woolfs felt themselves tumble into last place in the division despite Seaside playing two guys, Ryan Moats and Robert Royal, who scored zero points. "I blame..." Woolfs coach Michael Moore paused while consulting a list of neo-conservative fund raising groups, "... the Christian Family Council. Yeah, they hate the idea of a three-peat." 51 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Jake Delhomme 24 Julius Jones 12 Fred Taylor 20 Terrell Owens 6 Moose Muhammad 2 Reggie Williams 13 Eric Johnson 4 David Akers 8 Ravens 20 58 Seaside Squid Pts Tom Brady 22 Edgerrin James 15 Ryan Moats 0 Santana Moss 5 Lee Evans 21 Jerricho Cotchery 7 Robert Royal 0 Jeff Reed 8 Eagles 38

Player of the Week Eagles Defense Seaside Squid Week Five Team Pts Marc Bulger, ATH 32 Fred Taylor, MAY 20 Larry Johnson, WC Chester Taylor, TOL 19 Lee Evans, SEA 21 Plaxico Burress, MOOS 17 Bernard Berrian, SPR Reggie Brown, SIN 16 Antonio Gates, SIN 12 Lawrence Tynes, MOOS 13 Eagles, SEA 38 Disappointments of the Week Terrell Owens West Virginia Woolfs All-Dissappointment Team Pts Brett Favre, SPR 20 Ryan Moats, SEA 0 Corey Dillon, BAK 4 Roy Williams, SIN 1 Moose Muhammad, WV 2 Troy Williamson, MOOS 2 Robert Royal, SEA 0 Morton Andersen, MAY 0 Jets, MAY 2