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"It wasn't me!" Moore demanded. "I still want it made clear I've never been on the field for a West Virginia loss." In fact,
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"It seems to me there could have been a better choice than the retarded 35-year-old," team doctor Heathcliff Huxtable shrugged, while applying an icepack made of Jello pudding pops to Julius Jones's ankle. "I remember when I was in school, I always wanted to be in the special class because they were always walking past our room. We were in there sweating and reading and writing and they were going to the zoo. 'We're going to the zoo and then we're going to the baseball game.' A lot of us tried to get into the special class. The teacher would ask, 'What's four plus four?' and we'd say, 'Uhhhh... I don't know...' but the teacher always knew we weren't special."
Huxtable continued with an analogy comparing a football game with jazz music.
Among the questionable calls once Moore left the game were Warren's decisions to inactivate T.J. Houshmandzadeh and to bench Jones for the second half following a minor twisted ankle. "I suppose," Moore resigned whistfully, "you can't win them all. I mean, I can--or at least have to this point--but losing is part of winning. Not the part I've ever played a role in, but a part nonetheless."
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Bakersfield attributed the loss to the unfamiliar environment, having been forced to leave the majority of the circus animals that travel with the team behind in Vermont due to BVI quarantine rules. Furthermore, the circus was barred from performing due to zoning restrictions, resulting in Jeremy Shockey being barred from the island after he juggled some oranges to entertain a child. "It's a very sad thing," sniffled general manager William Shatner. "Put aside the football game and look at the children of this island who live in poverty. Their mothers and fathers get paid pennies a day to clean the toilets of the fatcats who dock their yachts around here, and when we show up to give them a little entertainment and are shooed away like gnats. It's disgusting." Residents of the island have a slightly different take on their entertainment. "A circus might be nice," contemplated Jose, a five year old boy whose mother cleans toilets for four cents a day, "but I am already so completely amused every day by the presence of Mr. David Beckham and his role as head coach of the Yachtsmen. You see, Mr. Beckham is a football player, though in your country you call it soccer... making the misinterpretation hilarious to people of all cultures!"
In fact, the Squid gave West Coast what might have appeared an unfair advantage, starting two inactive receivers and ordering Terrell Owens "not to be too showy with the scoring touchdowns thing." "I'm just happy to be able to do my part," smiled David Boston, shocking many who had no idea he was even still playing professional football. "I thought he died in Vietnam," insisted one Squid fan, who then was corrected that he was actually thinking of either Beaver from "Leave It to Beaver" or Mikey from the Life cereal commercials. Michael Clayton, who revealed earlier in the week that he'd been playing since training camp with a seperated shoulder, also sat out. "It's bad enough when you lose," Clayton said. "I don't want to rub it in making them lose to a guy with a seperated shoulder." Mennonite fans later confirmed while that would be embarrassing, losing to a team with just one receiver is worse. The Squid's third straight win leapfrogged them over Athens in the standings, and, coupled with West Virginia's loss, is now the longest active winning streak in the BFL. "No, no, no," groaned Alge Crumpler, "let's not count this one. The Mennonites did a good job. In fact, I know a team who's earned itself some ice cream!"
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Bell's two long touchdown runs and 127 yards on the ground offically dropped him behind Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, and Kevin Jones--three players with seemingly nothing in common--as a leading candidate for biggest disappointment of the year. Further, it showed Moose River's offensive explosion last weekend wasn't a fluke. "We can be deadly," smiled receiver Larry Fitzgerald, "to ourselves or to others. For the first three weeks, we were killing ourselves. Now that Brett [Favre] has found his groove and Ronnie Brown is acclimated to how things are done in the BFL, there's nothing but upside." Athens coach John Elway stared at the scoreboard and refused to leave the field following the game's conclusion. "I believe I said this is a winning franchise. What part of 'winning' don't you people understand? Put some more time on that clock!"
| "It's just so sad," sighed Grifters head coach Brian Billick, "to see so much opportunity snuffed out like that in the blink of an eye. Jeff Fisher and I had a deal. He was going to get pepperoni and I was going to get cheese and we were going to give each other half so it would be like getting two half-cheese/half-pepperoni pizzas for free. I don't know when we'll get an opportunity like that again." Despite losing their third starter to injury, Sin City pulled out the win, prompting the Fifes to point a finger accusingly at Preist Holmes, who surprisingly was nowhere to be found. Hours later, it was revealed Holmes was in jail, though the details of his arrest were unavailable at press time.
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Drew Bledsoe
Caribbean Yachtsmen
| Week Five Team | |
| Tom Brady, WCST | |
| Tatum Bell, MOOS | |
| Shaun Alexander, WV | |
| Steve Smith, MAY | |
| Larry Fitzgerald, MOOS | |
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Anquan Boldin, BAK Torry Holt, CAR | |
| Alge Crumpler, SEA | |
| Nate Kaeding, WV | |
| Colts, SEA |
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Eagles Defense
Bakesfield Circus Bears
| All-Dissappointment Team | |
| Donovan McNabb, MAY | |
| T.J. Duckett, WCST | |
| Brian Westbrook, CAR | |
| David Boston , SEA | |
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Michael Clayton, SEA T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WV | |
| Brandon Lloyd, ATH | |
| Marcus Pollard, BAK | |
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John Carney, CAR Jason Elam, WCST | |
| Falcons, WCST |