Week Eight

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Shanghai: "SURPRISE!"

71 70 No Coach, No Problem TOLEDO, OHIO--Just a week ago, the Sexists were criticizing the league for the DNS rule which "took away from coaches' decisions and simplified the game." They were among the most verbal critics of the need for a coach to lead his team. Nonetheless, for the second straight week, Jack Nicholson Dressed in a Marine Uniform was not present on the Texas sideline. Without Nicholson, Richard Huntley started in place of Jerome Bettis who reported to practice with a clean bill of health. Irving Fryar also was left in the starting lineup from last weekend, despite requesting the week off. "I put in my request over a month ago. I didn't even know I was playing until I saw in on the television." Unfortunately, when Fryar heard his name announced on his TV in Dallas, the team was taking the field in Toledo. The strategy--or lack thereof--dumbfounded Sam Rutigliano and his staff who focused so much on shutting down Huntley and the "invisible" Fryar, they allowed Flavor Favre and Curtis Martin to run wild and pull off a one point win. "I figured, there's gotta be something special about this kid," Rutigliano sighed. "If Bettis is healthy and Huntley is starting instead, I figured they had something up their sleeve." Texas Sexists Pts Toledo Neanderthal Pts Flavor Favre 43 Vinnie Testaverde 36 Curtis Martin 21 Napolean Kaufman 15 Richard Huntley 0 Garrison Hearst 6 Terrell Owens 28 Antonio Freeman 21 Courtney Hawkins 4 Keyshawn Johnson 9 Irving Fryar 0 Terrance Mathis 6 Frank Wychek 1 Mark Chmura 7 Ryan Longwell 4 John Kasay 2 Green Bay Packers 32 Pittsburgh Steelers 30

Player of the Week Raiders Defense Shanghai Surprise Force three turnovers, including one for a TD, mortalize Steve Young. Runners-up Terrell Davis - 3 TDs, 130+ yards (1003 on the season)... the usual. Barry Sanders - 280 yards rushing in last two weeks, both major upsets. 49ers Defense - 4 turnovers, 8 sacks to keep dimming playoff hopes alive in must-win over Waterworld. Mark Brunell - 3 TDs, nearly 400 yards in the air.

Week Seven Team Pts Mark Brunell, Sin City 62 Terrell Davis, Sin City 42 Curtis Martin, Texas Barry Sanders, Shanghai Robert Smith, West Coast 21 Terrell Owens, Texas 28 Antonio Freeman, Toledo 21 Joey Galloway, Sin City 20 Shannon Sharpe, Bakersfield 8 Gary Anderson, Waterworld 11 49ers, Boston 47 All-Dissappointment Team Pts Erik Kramer, Boston 18 Richard Huntley, Texas 0 Tommy Vardell, Waterworld 0 Isaac Bruce 0 Irving Fryar, Texas 0 Terry Glenn, Tangerine 0 J.J. Stokes, Tangerine 0 Andrew Lloyd Glover, West Coast Frank Wychek, Texas 1 John Kasay, Toledo 2 Jaguars, Tangerine 0

70 115 Quarterback Sighting in Tarpon Uniform BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA--Someone claiming to be Ryan Leaf completed 25 passes, including one for a touchdown, without turning over the ball once. Though the Tarpons lost and lost soundly, the locker room was explosive over breaking the 40-point mark for the first time all season. "With a season like this, you have to find reasons to celebrate and when one comes along, you don't pass it up!" cheered receiver J.J. Stokes who scored as many points as Y.A. Tittle, who retired sometime several years before most BFL owners were born. Kevin Hardy explained the teams new philosophy on scoring. "If I get off the field and say, 'I didn't have any sacks,' that's kind of depressing. Instead, we say, 'I had as many sacks as Dick Butkus!' and he's a hall of famer. It's a much healthier way to look at it." Coach John McKay shook his head at Hardy's new ideas and sighed something about his offensive line blocking as well as Alex Karras before excusing himself to watch reruns of Webster on WGN. Tangerine Tarpons Pts West Coast Mennonites Pts Ryan Leaf 43 Donald Hollas 32 Fred Taylor 16 Robert Smith 21 Priest Holmes 9 Robert Edwards 6 Michael Jackson 6 Jimmy Smith 16 Terry Glenn 0 Cris Carter 15 J.J. Stokes 0 Jerry Rice 14 Wesley Walls 5 Andrew Lloyd Glover 1 Morton Andersen 5 Adam Vinatieri 10 Jacksonville Jaguars 0 Kansas City Chiefs 14

85 166 Rage in a Cage LAS VEGAS, NEVADA--The last match-up of these two teams resulted in the bloodiest debacle ever to take place on a football field. Referees were unable to maintain order as coaches caused distractions to allow players to smuggle steel chairs and other foreign objects onto the field and affect the games outcome. Sunday, John Madden appeared on the field and announced there would be no such distractions this time around. "Because of your blatant disregard for the rules and use of outside interference, today's game will be a steel cage match!" The crowd wasn't sure how to react as the steel cage was lowered over the field and the players were locked inside. Sin City quickly revenged their loss behind the arm of Mark Brunell, the hands of Joey Galloway, the legs of Terrell Davis, and the cunning of Shawn Springs knocked Isaac Bruce unconscious against the steel posts of the cage. John Elway scored 40 points but as he realized even his best efforts were not enough, he retreated to a corner of the cage where he sat Indian-style, rocking back and forth while pulling out his hair at the roots. Ed McCaffrey impressed the crowd in the loss, managing to get outside the cage where he was piledriven through the Spanish announcers table by Hardy Nickerson. Of note: A large, heavily tattooed man with long hair wearing a Mennonites cap watched the game intently, taking notes on the Woodchucks. Athenian Woodchucks Pts Sin City Grifters Pts John Elway 40 Mark Brunell 62 Karim Abdul-Jabbar 8 Terrell Davis 42 Fred Lane 8 Jamal Anderson 7 Ed McCaffrey 16 Joey Galloway 20 Mushin Muhammad 10 Andre Rison 17 Isaac Bruce 0 Herman Moore 6 Tony Gonzalez 6 Ben Coates 7 Al Del Greco 8 John Carney 9 Cincinnati Bengals 4 Seattle Seahawks 11

Disappointment of the Week Isaac Bruce Athenian Woodchucks Held scoreless after averaging league high for receivers 17.3 points per game. Runners-up J.J. Stokes - Shutout by West Coast defenders after leading all receivers in scoring last week. Ryan Leaf - Actually had a really good game, equal to Flavor Favre, but we're so used to listing him here our editor just assumed it was accurate. Every QB But Mark Brunell - Outplayed by Ryan Leaf. Richard Huntley - Gets second start, this time over a healthy Bettis and cannot capitalize. Carl Pickens - Brainwashed by Maoists, so busy reading Communist Manifesto can only muster 2 catchs.

At the Half Halfway through the season, here's a look at the MVP and All-BFL candidates. MVP 1. Steve Young, Bakersfield 2. Terrell Davis, Sin City 3. Chiefs Defense, West Coast 4. Brett Favre, Texas 5. Mark Brunell, Sin City 6. Marshall Faulk, Bakersfield 7. Garrison Hearst, Toledo 8. Randy Moss, Boston 9. Barry Sanders, Shanghai 10. Antonio Freeman, Toledo All-BFL QB Steve Young, Bakersfield RB Terrell Davis, Sin City RB Marshall Faulk, Bakersfield WR Isaac Bruce, Athenian WR Antonio Freeman, Toledo WR Randy Moss, Boston TE Shannon Sharpe, Bakersfield K Adam Vinatieri, West Coast Def Chiefs, West Coast Based on statistics through Week 7.

35 85 Not Dead Yet BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS--Though the Boston quarterback position remains a statistical black hole, the running backs seem to be coming around at last. Ricky Watters and Corey Dillon were named franchise players during the offseason and have caused Bill Parcells and Sam Adams nothing but headaches since. Last week, Dillon seemed to break out of his sophomore slump with a 130 yard performance, while Watters rode the pine in an attempt to regain his mental preparedness. The two only managed 85 yards on the ground, but caught 8 passes out of the backfield for 70 more. Each got into the end zone as well. The "Board of Defense" was the real story of the game, holding highly touted quarterback Randall Cunningham and the rest of the Wombats in check with a 4 turnover, 8 sack showing.   Waterworld Wombats Pts Boston Slammin' Lagers Pts Randall Cunningham 28 Eric Kramer 18 Warrick Dunn 10 Ricky Watters 17 Touchdown Tommy Vardell 0 Corey Dillon 15 Jermaine Lewis 18 Johnnie Morton 18 Reidel Anthony 6 Darnay Scott 4 Mike Pritchard 5 Randy Moss 2 Ernie Conwell 4 Cameron Cleeland 7 Gary Anderson 11 Jason Hanson 9 San Diego Chargers 5 San Francisco 49ers 47